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BUT if i try sometimes, i just may find, i get what i need!
with absolutely no apologies to anyone.
so instant gratification and the Rolling Stones, certainly an interesting meshing of concepts, especially after sitting down with the sponse and going over my step work, last night. i will tell you this, the sponsee i saw afterwards did not get the best Don he could have, as i was way distracted with my stuff to be entirely present for his. when i go and see him next week i will take care of cleaning up that particular piece of business and admit where i was wrong.
moving back in to where i think i want to go, my sponse and i both agree, that i need some more work on STEP THREE, right now, as i am having some difficulties with the basics here. a lot has to do with this whole immediate gratification gig and when i read the reading this morning, i felt the delicious irony. i believe my desire for wanting everything yesterday was present long before i ever picked up. in fact if you watch children in action, they possess a strong and often vocal NEED to have their desires immediately fulfilled. so i can see that immediate gratification is part of the human experience, somewhere along the line, in me it never got dialed down and active addiction honed and polished it into the adult and fully self-realized behavior it is today. yes, i know recovery, especially step work is all about personality change, as that is the only thing that keeps me from going back to using. in fact, as i was sharing with my sponsee last night i actually said that i DID NOT LIKE the way pain-killers, anesthesia and conscious sedation made me feel, since getting clean. shock of all shockers, this from the man who loved getting high more than anything. this from the man who would try anything at all to get high, to say that the getting high effect of medically necessary application of narcotics in my life was something i did not like can only be a result of the step work i have done.
so why is it, that the stumbling block i have in my current set of steps goes directly to immediate gratification and unmet expectations creating a conditional sort of FAITH within me? THAT IS THE PROBLEM, i cannot surrender my WHOLE will and life, because i am not satisfied with the current set of results. after all i could use more of a lot of things, and after all i have done the foot work, the step work, put in the clean time, so where is my fVcking reward? how can i have FAITH, when i feel that my list of gifts is certainly far from being completely filled? as ridiculous as this sounds to me, as i type it out, it seems to make perfect sense right now. man,. i really am a sick pup today. well, not really, all of this is coming into focus because of the process of recovery. i actually met with my sponsor and as i sit here this morning, exploring this particular issue, i find that i am actually listening to what we discussed last night and it is all coming into focus as a result. i see now why he suggested what he suggested and i see now the direction i need to take to allow my FAITH to once again become unconditional. the heinous assignment he gave me includes no pen to paper, as i am to experience my way to where i need to be in this step, and it is heinous as i can see no plan to get myself there, except be here, do what i can in this 24, take personal responsibility for what i need to take care of today and just live. which i guess i am willing to do today.
with that thought in mind, i guess the next right thing to do is to hop in the shower and go run some errands in town, and do the work that is on my desk. oh yeah, practice letting go of the results and look to the process instead.

∞ DT ∞