Blog entry for:

is not now, nor has ever been something one would think of, when considering my assets. i know that even long before i picked up for the first time, that i was a slave to immediate gratification. decades of use did little to change that for the better. when i came to recovery, the relief i was consciously seeking was freedom from the judicial chains that bound me and that freedom was not to be realized until months and months down the road. what i GOT instead was my first taste of living while “not high” and seeing that state of being was neither fatal nor devastating. sure i still want what in want and want it right now, but my recovery journey has tempered that desire.
as i look to how i felt back in the day and in early recovery, i see that i am certainly a more patient person than i was. i have a course of action to follow on a daily basis and when i apply myself to living that course, i do find myself to be a bit more accepting of what comes down the pike. i also find that i can do the footwork to realize the realistic part of my desires. is that a symptom of growing some patience? i would posit that, yes it is. do i still find myself fuming about drivers and obstacles in my way, as i hurry from one place to another? of course i do, i have yet to achieve any sort of en-like serenity, once i set my mind to arriving some place. it is a sad fact of life that addiction has so warped my way of looking at DESIRE, that i may never achieve that particular symptom of patience.
speaking of having to be somewhere, i think i will put this to bed and be okay knowing that for the next seven days i will be “grounded.” maybe the candidate we are looking at will be a good fit and i will once again end up on a six week rotation. i can say this though, i am not going to jump at the first one that comes down the pike, been there, done that and now i have a backup who really does not seem to be able to operate independently. in this respect, i am going to exercise the little patience i have developed and see what happens.

∞ DT ∞