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me in constant conflict with the very people on whom i depend. sitting here this morning, trying to get a grasp on what i am feeling, i realize that that this topic does not stir up a whole lot of strong reactions or feelings. it is on days like these, that i feel i may need to stir the pot to see what i can get to rise to the surface. i am finally coming to grips with the examples of the self-will of others that i had to be a witness to, over the past few days. i no longer want to shout down the perpetrators, but i do feel a but of distance between them and me, is certainly called for. as much as i want to blame and shame, first them for what they did, and then me for reacting so strongly to their behaviors, i realize that perhaps i am spiritually fit enough to put the whole affair into the bit bucket and walk away. self-will is what was driving my desire to slash and burn and goodwill, such as it is, will keep me from having to do so. the series of events are now long behind me, and there will be no further acknowledgement from the offending parties, no matter how much i desire it.
which brings around to my part in my life today. the question that i can now ask myself is: am i living in a state of continuous self-will? is my desire for some sort of admission of wrong, just a manifestation of self-will? am i still taking the poison expecting the other parties to die as a result? the answer to those questions, certainly does reflect the state of my spiritual fitness, and that state is not as pretty as i would like it to be. it saddens me to say, that living in expectations certainly seems a symptom of living in self-will. isolating myself from the objects of my ire, will only spin down my world to very few outsider contacts and only those i can manipulate into marching to the beat that i hear. that was once the world i so carefully crafted and that world as much as it was to my liking, is not the world i have ant-y desire to return to, hence it is time for me to forgive and move on.
it is a good day to be clean and a better day to get a whole lot of steps in, before the snow flies. as i walk through this day, doing the most odious task that i have been avoiding for quite some time, i am certain that in the end, the answer will be what i expect it to be. i know that i could push this task off to my team me, but as tempted as i am to do so, i need to be able to adapt to changing circumstances and he does not do that very well. things are what they are, and i am well aware that when i CHOOSE self-will over all else, i will end up regretting that choice and have others looking for me to own what i have done wrong.

∞ DT ∞