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is not a theme of my life these days. there was certainly a time in my life when i not only believe i was sufficient, but i also enjoyed having the chaos of constant conflict in my life. that was certainly part of my delusional belief structure. it was not as if i got struck clean, committed to a life of recovery and was suddenly all better, not by a long shot. as i begin to wake up to the idea that maybe i did not know all that i thought i did and as the walls of my denial were slowly chipped away, i started to get a clue or three. amongst those clues was the notion that i might actually need some help to stay clean and actually begin to recover.
this morning as i woke up way behind schedule, i was anxious that i would not be able to enjoy my day with a cigar as i worked and had actually made alternate plans to fulfill my desires, make sure my perishable gift was brought into our home, meet the expectations of my employer and not have all sorts of chaos spinning around. the good news? everything fell into place, without me having to apply any pressure or attempt to exercise control. as i sat this morning, what i would just in case kept bubbling up to the top, interrupting what i was attempting to accomplish. when i finally figured out that i could disrupt my calm with the chaos of what may be, or CHOOSE to let go and develop alternate plans on the fly, i finally got what i was seeking, a bit of quiet calm.
that calm has persisted through to getting my ass to work, making sure all my ducks are in a row for the release, getting this little exercise complete and posted. as a peer is fond of saying, nothing is fVcked today, and today i certainly have to agree with hime. i know where my power to stay clean comes from. i know where the wisdom to live a program of active recovery comes from and i know the source of how to do this gig. all of that comes from my peers and from the POWER that fuels my recovery, it really is that simple. i am the source of chaos and conflict in m life and today i know how to minimize that to practically nil just by living a program of active recovery.

∞ DT ∞