Blog entry for:

i need other people; and, to live fully, i need a Power greater than my own. to everyone who reads me on a fairly consistent basis, i apologize for my very brief entry yesterday. my work place is in transition and the weather around here lately has been anything but pleasant. what does either of those facts have to do with the very brief entry yesterday? well that is a very long story, what i boils down to is this: i cannot afford the time at work to really ponder this task, so when i leave early for whatever reason, and have to write at work, it more than likely will be very brief. at least that is the way it is for now.
somehow, that brings me back to the lie of self-sufficiency. when i believe that i am invincible and in fallible, enough to try and exercise power that i do not have, i end up embarrassing myself and all those i taint with my brush of arrogance. just a quick swipe and a merging of them into my collective “WE” and voilà, they too can carry my sin. self-will and self-sufficiency go hand in hand, and both are the polar opposites of self-support. living off of AFDC, food stamps and yo mama, is not self-support, especially when popping out progeny from different fathers. no what that is, is self-will. lumping me into a collective “WE” with one, who behaves in such a manner is an insult and an affront. i may not be perfect, but i am self-supporting and working on abandoning the notions of self-sufficiency, i built up over the years of my active addiction. just as an addict shared the other night, self-sufficiency, was my protective barrier from the pain of human relationships, and after a few days clean, allowing myself to become vulnerable and have feelings for others, feels… well… SCARY as fvck. i mean what if they withdraw their support, how the fvck am i going to survive?
the answer may just be, that where i once relied on the illusive power that i thought i had to buffer me through the storms of human interaction, today i have to depend upon the POWER that fuels my recovery, to give me what i need. that help does not drop down and end-up on my lawn for me to pick up, as in the Bible, but is given to me through the people who are a part of my life today. the collective “WE” that i am a part of is the fellowship of recovering addicts, and because of the respect i have for my fellows, these days, i would presume to tell them how to work the program, whether they are more like me in following a very conservative path or have to add on other elements from the outside. today, i would hardly presume to give unsolicited feedback, advice or direction, as i know how much i hate receiving it. today, well you get the gist, what was okay, once upon a time, is no longer okay, and as i grow into the man i have always WANTED TO BE, BUT WAS CLUELESS ABOUT, i get to retire those behaviors that no longer fit that vision. i cannot even say, what works for me, will work for anyone else, hence very few “YOUs” and lots of “Is” litter what i share.
BTW i was not invited to give my opinion on who may represent the Boulder AREA and share at the Friday night speaker meeting, at convention in October, so it can be hardly a conscience of the addicts that comprise our local fellowship, as most of us were not invited to offer our opinions, such as they are. i am grateful for the second tradition in this regard and certain the the conscience reached by the committee of addicts, charged with doing the program, will be the correct one. life today is interesting and i really do have to get moving on down the road. it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞