Blog entry for:

so after three days of working from home, i am starting to get more than a little crazed. no, i am not running out to the nearest purveyor of legally available mind and mood altering substances, but i am feeling a bit cut-off from the world and making decisions that are not centered in reality, such as interviewing for a job i have little qualification to do, at the insistence of the head-hunter. it is all good but not exactly what i “heard” this morning.
where i went this morning as i sat, was more of an indictment about where i was drifting away from being “attached” to my recovery. i feel that maybe, just maybe that i may not be on the right track and as i pull further and further away from what i know has worked, i get more judgemental and just a little less certain about who i am. as i contemplated self-sufficiency and my dependence on those who are part of my life and my recovery, i can see all sorts of instances where self-will is edging towards self-sufficiency. what i DESIRE is answers and all i am getting is questions. sitting here pounding out this missive to the cyber world, i see that what i keep inside, makes me sick. when i hold on to what is going on, to protect someone else. i ignore what i am feeling and danger ensues. that being said, i dropped a bomb on a close friend and they helped me to see that bi am not properly equipped to handle “everything” on my own, i need to be more open about the drama and trauma that life on its own terms brings.
where this has brought me, is that today, i need to do along and physically exhausting work out, to combat the physical stress of the emotional sh!t i ma carrying. i need to move back in connecting with the world around me. step one, off to the rec center. step two catch up on what has been lingering on my desktop. step three refresh my knowledge of what i know so that perhaps i will be a good candidate for the position being offered. step four get to my service commitment. last but not least, release what i cannot handle and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to present the opportunity for me to be who i am, an addict in recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞