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and STEP FIVE is not a topic i often considered, even after being on both sides of this process. i know that my very first one was an lesson in how much could i hide from my sponsor, as i had yet to have any FAITH that a TWELVE STEP process was going to be a life for me. sure i hit the biggies and expected juicy tidbits, but mostly i used those to obfuscate what i really needed to be sharing with him. the entire exercise left me more than a bit uneasy, especially since i walked in that room on STEP FOUR and walked out on STEP EIGHT. needless to say, what i did not feel was unconditional love, because i was not willing to be open and honest with what and who i was at that time. once i finally took the plunge and became a member of the fellowship that has given me a different manner of living, feeling and being, the FIFTH STEP took on a whole new meaning for me, no matter which side of that table that i was sitting on.
right now, i have one sponsee who is getting ready to do a FIFTH STEP and another who is dilly-dallying in his FOURTH. my last FIFTH STEP opened me up to a new world and certainly a new outlook on life, and most importantly, my sponse gave me what i needed as a result of the revelations, reservations and resentments i shared with him. today, as i contemplate what i became as the result of each and every FIFTH STEP i have shared, as well as the numerous FIFTH STEPS that have been shared with me, i see a man who has left a darkness behind him. i often joke around saying that if i ever wanted to burn down the fellowship, i have more than enough kerosene from the FIFTH STEPS i have heard. that joke falls flat most of the time. in active addiction, that would have been material for blackmail, and manipulation. in recovery, at least for me, it is material that i use to aid the men i sponsor, into finding a different manner of seeing themselves and the world around them. my experience is that what was once dark, dank and very secret, loses its hold on me, after i share it with someone i have FAITH in and trust with my life and my recovery.
what is happening in my world today? not a whole lot. i am certainly getting a lesson in patience, as the wheels of probate seem to grind very slowly. i have decide to dedicate one hour a day until i finish sorting through the paper detritus that my Mom left behind. there are more than a few of my family members that want more and want it much more quickly than it seems to be arriving, but their disappointment is not part of anything i will take on for myself. i have done what i could and now it is just waiting for the powers to be, to give me what i need to move forward. just for today, i will remember that showing love, without conditions, also is possible to those in my life who do not have a program of recovery and might possible find one useful. i am clean, i am sane and most importantly, i want to live an active program of recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞