Blog entry for:

live life on that basis. the results were disastrous and, in the end, i had to admit that self-sufficiency was a lie. this was just one of the lies that i came to recovery believing, each as deadly and insidious as the other. this lie, however, is more persistent and seems to carry more weight, even after some time clean. this is the lie i WANT to believe. this is the lie that SOUNDS so reasonable. most importantly this is the LIE on which my structure of denial is based, and one that brings that whole house of cards tumbling down when revealed.
the question this morning is not WHY this is still prevalent, that is really unimportant, it is HOW it affects me and my program of recovery. the first and worst part is that the addict within, relishes this particular lie, si=o i take grate care in disguising in a wrapper of rationality when i tell it to myself. this obfuscation allow a chain of assumptions to be constructed so that the most ridiculous sort of behaviors can be justified, and if left unchecked, one of those will be a return to active addiction.
it really starts so simply, i do something that was once beyond my capability. it does not matter of it is a tricky piece of code, or navigating through the perils of a sticky social situation. what matters is that i have succeeded at something that i had never done before. when i am all spiritual and walking this path in an active manner, i can be grateful for the something outside of me, the POWER that fuels my recovery, for providing me the means to succeed. i feel connected. i feel energized and it allows me to see that the answers that came from within, were inspired from something beyond me. i acknowledge my dependence on the POWER as well as all of those humans that i have come across in the course of my life experience, because they are the instrument for passing this knowledge on to me. it this mode, all is well, and i understand the lie of self-sufficiency for what it is, an excuse to use.
there are other times, HOWEVER, when i am not connected to myself or the spiritual side of my existence where this lie comes into to play. it is MY EFFORT, NATIVE INTELLIGENCE. or INTUITION that allowed such a success, the lie starts. so if that is the case, what else can i do all by myself? do i really need to believe in the spiritual side of life? do i really need a program of recovery? and if that is the case am i rally an addict? after all it has been…
such a quick descent into my heart of darkness, it is spooky. yet, while it is happening, it feels so right, so natural, that i am unaware that i have started down that path, until some outside force knocks me upside my head changing my momentum enough for me to see what is really going on. some of the time, it is one of theses readings, others it is something someone says to me. most often, it is the puzzled look i see on the face of someone that i am interacting with, that is the clue i NEED to return from the lie of self-sufficiency. that look, while once a part of my daily experience, comes so rarely these days, that it is a jolt to my senses. as such, i can STOP, THINK and SEE WHERE I AM, and choose my next action instead of continuing without conscious choice, as the addict within most desires.
anyhow, i can go on, as i feel there are pages more of material within, however, brevity is the soul of wit, and with such a reminder, i do believe i have nailed this topic, at least for me. it is true i am hanging with a bunch of yahoos this afternoon and evening, to enjoy the big game. as a result i will not be attending one of my routine meetings, so i know i need to be a bit more vigilant about where i am spiritually as this day progresses. so as i walk through today, i will do my best to be grateful for the source of my recovery and allow myself to be dependent upon that source for my strength today. it is after all a great day to be clean, even if i am sweeping the snow off my sidewalks AGAIN!

∞ DT ∞