โ i can*t - we can โ
Posted: Sat, Feb 6, 2016 09:52:47 AM
ah, the lie of self-sufficiency, especially when it comes to recovery. i am quite familiar with that lie, in all the various manifestations i have used it in, as well as how some of the unique ways i have witnessed my peers using it. although it may educational and certainly a bit fun to look at others, there is more than enough material in my slice of the world to fill at least a very long chapter. i will not go that long this morning, but i will dive into some of the ways i used self-sufficiency to keep me from achieving my potential in recovery.
way back when i was vacillating between just showing up and entering recovery for real, and yes those months between my clean date and the start of my first trip through the steps as directed by my second sponsor, who happened to be my first sponsor in the fellowship that is now my home, more than once i wondered how much i really needed those other members, or anyone at all. after all, i was staying clean, and no one seemed to care is i was really doing any work or not. showing up at meetings and talking the language of recovery, seemed to be doing the trick, especially after i worked STEP FIVE and the obsession to use left me. it seemed that it was time to get out of the rooms, kick up my heels and have a bit of fun. even though i waited, as the judicial sword of retribution was hanging over me, i still drifted away from feeling the need to let anyone in my life. just as at the end of my recovery, bit by bit, i let people go and those i let into my life were kept at a very safe distance. nothing new or unusual, just a set of shifting expectations as i dipped deeper and deeper into my denial and my isolation. my trip to New York City, was quite a shocker. i had come so close to the brink of using, that i actually had some real fear about relapsing. that fear was the motivation that got me to declare what i was and decide where i belonged and start the process of looking at the lie of self-sufficiency, for probably the first time in my recovery journey.
today, i know that i am clean because of a POWER that fuels my recovery. it is true that i have done a sh!tload of work, with the guidance of a sponsor. it is also true that i got a degree, cleaned up the financial messes i made when i decided that i COULD keep doing what i was doing and did not need to reach out to anyone for help. all of that effort was great, BUT i could have never done that on my own. my reliance on the POWER that fuels my recovery and on the my peers gave me the ability and more importantly the desire to achieve those goals.
as i started the last set of steps, the lie of self-sufficiency began to tell me that i was a “well” as i was going to get. i decided to go through the motions, but i was fairly certain that it would be to no avail. i was never going to be able to allow myself to be able to love any more people, as my capacity to love was full. with the help of my sponsor and through the process of the the steps, i see that i was looking for an out. after all, my life was good, i had everything that i once thought i needed, so i could more than likely, strike out on my own and let the hips fall where they would. one might say that miracles do happen, as not being one of those, what happened to me was another transformation of my outlook and most importantly how i see myself and my place in the world. i now know that like my fellow humans, i do not have a limit to how much love i can give or receive. i do not lack the ability to add to the new people in my life and most importantly i do not have a limit on how much better i can get!
it is a good day to be a part of something more and allow the world to spin as it will. i am grateful for what this set of steps has given me, and how the process has repaired yet another crack in my damaged spiritual condition.
way back when i was vacillating between just showing up and entering recovery for real, and yes those months between my clean date and the start of my first trip through the steps as directed by my second sponsor, who happened to be my first sponsor in the fellowship that is now my home, more than once i wondered how much i really needed those other members, or anyone at all. after all, i was staying clean, and no one seemed to care is i was really doing any work or not. showing up at meetings and talking the language of recovery, seemed to be doing the trick, especially after i worked STEP FIVE and the obsession to use left me. it seemed that it was time to get out of the rooms, kick up my heels and have a bit of fun. even though i waited, as the judicial sword of retribution was hanging over me, i still drifted away from feeling the need to let anyone in my life. just as at the end of my recovery, bit by bit, i let people go and those i let into my life were kept at a very safe distance. nothing new or unusual, just a set of shifting expectations as i dipped deeper and deeper into my denial and my isolation. my trip to New York City, was quite a shocker. i had come so close to the brink of using, that i actually had some real fear about relapsing. that fear was the motivation that got me to declare what i was and decide where i belonged and start the process of looking at the lie of self-sufficiency, for probably the first time in my recovery journey.
today, i know that i am clean because of a POWER that fuels my recovery. it is true that i have done a sh!tload of work, with the guidance of a sponsor. it is also true that i got a degree, cleaned up the financial messes i made when i decided that i COULD keep doing what i was doing and did not need to reach out to anyone for help. all of that effort was great, BUT i could have never done that on my own. my reliance on the POWER that fuels my recovery and on the my peers gave me the ability and more importantly the desire to achieve those goals.
as i started the last set of steps, the lie of self-sufficiency began to tell me that i was a “well” as i was going to get. i decided to go through the motions, but i was fairly certain that it would be to no avail. i was never going to be able to allow myself to be able to love any more people, as my capacity to love was full. with the help of my sponsor and through the process of the the steps, i see that i was looking for an out. after all, my life was good, i had everything that i once thought i needed, so i could more than likely, strike out on my own and let the hips fall where they would. one might say that miracles do happen, as not being one of those, what happened to me was another transformation of my outlook and most importantly how i see myself and my place in the world. i now know that like my fellow humans, i do not have a limit to how much love i can give or receive. i do not lack the ability to add to the new people in my life and most importantly i do not have a limit on how much better i can get!
it is a good day to be a part of something more and allow the world to spin as it will. i am grateful for what this set of steps has given me, and how the process has repaired yet another crack in my damaged spiritual condition.
∞ DT ∞