Blog entry for:

i depend on other people for everything, and yet my self-will puts me in constant conflict with the very people on whom i depend on. ah, the lie of self-sufficiency and the explosion of the i am a rock, i am an island mythology that i clung to so dearly in active addiction and early recovery. the ghost of that belief structure is still evident in my life today, and although persistent, hardly the overriding force it once was, and that is the result of the work the steps have done on me.
my belief and Faith in the divine is not run-of-the mill, or something very close to any mainstream worldwide religion, and for that is okay. the only place that i start to run into trouble is the whole self-will HP will dichotomy, where does self-will stop and the will of a HIGHER POWER actually start? that question has been one i toss and turn over in my noggin, quite often, and i have come to a conclusion that my latest obsession is self-will and the time for me to really turn it over is long overdue. even though i keep asking for it to be removed, i do not want it removed, after all, by obsessing and thinking and planning and plotting, i can keep the feelings of anger churning and i can change that anger into resentment, nicely polished and ready to display. or if i truly want peace and serenity, i can let go and allow the will of a HIGHER POWER to be expressed. which do iu choose today?
well last night when it was time to sleep, my self-will was quite evident, even though i could hardly keep my eyes open, i tossed and turned and fumed and fretted for over an hour, before i finally said enough and let go. of course whenever i came close to being awake it was once again on my mind, and until i sat still and actually thought about practicing a bit of STEP 11, this morning, it was still paramount in my thoughts. so this particular reading is a good one for me today. let go and allow myself to be a part of, rather that trying to do it by myself. quite truthfully i can worry about something for the next 48 hours or not. that choice is mine and mine alone. right now at 8:30 AM February 6, 2010 i choose NOT to worry about it, allow A HIGHER POWER to work in my life and do what i need to do, which is to jump in the shower and head into town for a bit of weekend work.
so i will accept that i am not self-sufficient, i will accept that i cannot survive in self-will, and i will accept that the inability of others to comes to a decision is not a personal attack on me. it is what it is and i need to man up and accept that. so off tot he showers and into reality, turning and twisting at home is getting nothing accomplished.

∞ DT ∞