Blog entry for:

i had to admit that self-sufficiency was a lie. just to be clear, self-sufficiency is NOT the same as self support. supporting myself to the best of my ability is a behavior i can practice all the time, and one that the fellowship encourages me to do. back in the day, i may have been self-sufficient, but i was hardly self-supporting, in many respects. i leeched emotional energy, money, drugs and well-being from those around me, all the while being a world unto myself.
these days, i NEED the company of my fellows in and out of the fellowship to survive, just as i NEED the efforts of my own hands to provide me my daily bread. the concept of self-sufficiency was a lie, when i walked into the rooms, and one that i maintained for a very long time before that. self-support on the other hand was something i never practiced on any regular basis. i believed i was entitled to certain things, and that getting those things, as my birthright, allowed me to pretend how little i needed from the outside world. i could no more live of the “emotional grid,” than i could live on the moon.
i get that today, and to go on and on, about this topic is not something that i have the desire to do, this morning. today, well today, i need to go earn my keep and to acknowledge that i do NOT stay clean under my own power. the POWER that fuels my recovery, regardless of the current state of my belief system and how i express those beliefs, still provides me what i NEED to stay clean and thrive in the world today. even though i will have to go and deal with a knee-jerk reaction from the powers that be at work, at least i have a job that i CAN go to, a paycheck that i can allocate to all kinds of things and a home to relax in, when my day is done. a bit of sunshine and light for y'all. BUT all of that is dependent upon my staying clean today, and for that to happen i need to allow popup guys into my life to guide and direct me towards the next right thing to do. so at least just for today, i am not self-sufficient, emotionally in any regards and the power i NEED to stay clean, has to come from outside of me. easy to say, hard to implement, after all “I KNOW!”

∞ DT ∞