Blog entry for:

self-will puts me in constant conflict with people, to live a fulfilling life, i need to live in harmony with others.
especially those people on whom i depend the most; my sponsor, my closed-mouth friends, other addicts, the woman with whom i share my life, my employers, and my family. the order that those are listed in is no reflection of their relative importance in my life. i know that is something that did not need to be said, but often how i say or write something can be easily misinterpreted and i end up in a world of shit. which brings me back to the topic, self-sufficiency is a lie, and believing that i live or have lived in a vacuum not affecting others and being totally unaffected by what others did, felt or said, is the biggest part of that lie. in reality, the cause and effect nature of living, in active addiction or in recovery, is something that i am learning to face on a daily basis. one would come to believe that after some time clean, these seemingly simple precepts of living would become inherent and automatic, however the part of me i call my disease seems to be able to discount, dismiss and disregard the effects of self-will on the world around me. but that is the nature of who i am, and who i will always be, an addict. the choice i get to make today is whether i want to live in active addiction or if i want to live in recovery -- and my choice, right here and right now is one more day clean. that implies that i will do whatever it takes not to take that first one today. regardless of how many times the mortgage people call, regardless of how many paint chips i need to look at, no matter how frustrating my projects turn out to be and no matter how much i believe that just one is okay. so off to the races and let me see what i can do to live in my HIGHER POWER’s will today!

∞ DT ∞