Blog entry for:

...to my first need as a member of this fellowship: together, we can stay clean, but when i isolate myself, i am in bad company. as the reading continues on and on about, staying clean is not the only aspect of my life and my recovery, where self-sufficiency is a like and a fatal one at that. before i launch into my thoughts on that issue, i had a conversation yesterday, with a fellow member, and what i said, out loud, was the first time i realized i had come to a bridge -- namely to stop emasculating myself wondering about an outcome. it is simply enough today, to understand that i have put my cards on the table, and for whatever reason, the outcome had yet to be resolved, so instead of obsessing, assuming or casting motives , i think i will just surrender it to the POWER that keeps me clean, and get on with my life, in all aspects.
and that brings me back to the lie of self-sufficiency, and being an independent agent of any kind. yes, i have to work, do step work, put in my miles on the road, pray, meditate, attend meetings, call other members and be present for what is or is not going on in my life. those are all given, and doing all that and more does not reduce my dependencies on others, the fellowship or the POWER gives me the ability to stay clean today. while it would certainly make living a bit easier if someone else took care of all of that for me, i really have come to the conclusion that i cannot appreciate the gift of recovery, unless i do it myself, hooked into a network of life support. the paradox, or is it an irony, well whatever is that the better hooked into that network i am, the more self-sufficient i become. so it is a paradox, greater dependency on my recovery network, the more capable i become to care for myself. i am glad, that early on, i was not cooddled and got to learn how to stand on my own, with the support of those who came before me. it is a rough world out there. the path of recovery may be simple, but it is hardly easy. recovery does not guarantee any kind of material success, and in reality it does not guarantee any sort of emotional relief from the ravages i can and do inflict upon myself.
okay now i have said it, it is me, and only me who determines if i will recover today. that is where my self-sufficiency ends. after i decide to be in active addiction or active recovery, then i can hook into my life support network and get what i need to foster that decision and grow in whatever manner i need to grow today. so what does that mean on a practical level. well it means i do the footwork, i make plans, i live up to my obligations and responsibilities, and i let go of my expectations regarding outcomes. and most of remember that i am not in this alone, i have friends, peers, associates, loved ones, concerned members and a LOVING HIGHER POWER, to give what i need and cannot provide for myself, all i have to do is ask. so off to the streets to take off the birthday dinner and whatever else i can accomplish this morning.

∞ DT ∞