Blog entry for:

get high if this happens, or do i? of all the repeated refrains i hear in the rooms, the one that gets me the most is when one of my peers comes back from a relapse and and wail **i wonder what i did wrong.** i recite a litany of the many causes of a relapse, but to what end? i know why relapse happens and for myself, i also know it is a choice at this stage of my recovery journey, any **reason** is just an excuse to make myself feel better. is that how my peers feel? i do not know, and least just for today, i do not want to project my motives onto their choices. i know that for me anyhow, CHOOSING TO USE is always an option, for me to say anything different, is a symptom of being in denial. today, and just for today, i have chosen not to use. since i have made that decision, the next part is putting it into action, by implementing a program of active recovery. as the days pile up, it becomes easier to live that program, especially when it comes to the basics.
as i was pounding the pavement this morning, it came to me that maybe, what i need to write about, is not what i do to stay clean, but what, if any reservations i may have. when i did my FIRST STEP, i was pretty sure that i did not have any, reservations that is. pondering the question as i survived the temperatures in the teens, i could not come cross any of the obvious ones. i have lived through the pain of losing a loved one. i have changed my life so i very rarely am hanging out where folks be a-drinkin' and i no longer frequent crack houses, shooting galleries or dens of iniquity. i have yet to face disfiguring or life changing medical conditions or injuries, but i have seen enough of my peers come through those sort of issues, clean and with their recovery intact. counting down the obvious ones, is nice, but the part of me i call addiction, no longer stays in the easy to reach spots. one reservation that i have dealt with, was the uncovery of my current spiritual path. that commitment, almost took me away from the fellowship that is my home and out and about, into the wild world of alternate recovery programs. not to disparage those other paths, but for this addict, that sort of change may not have been the best plan, as i am not the most social creature in the pack. this addict needs the familiarity of those who have been around me for a minute and their observations on my behaviors, good, bad or indifferent. i might have been able to make the switch to a fellowship where the spiritual path is much more aligned with mine, but i do not do change very well and i certainly have a very powerful justification and rationalization engine that is revved up and ready to roll, at any time. learning to let go of what i saw separating me from my peers, was a lesson that i am still learning, as i keep telling myself i am not sure that this is going to work, especially as i sit in my THIRD STEP. what i am hearing today, is that maybe i am overthinking what i think STEP THREE is all about and maybe i just need to let go what i think i know and open myself to what i am not thinking and what may be transmitted through the airwaves, through interactions with those very souls who save my life everyday, my peers in recovery.

∞ DT ∞