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can stay clean through whatever life brings me today. as i sat at the meeting last night i was struck by this dichotomy: some of those who shared, seemed genuine and honestly had something to offer; others just shared to hear the sound of the clichés roll out through their vocal cords. i mean how seriously can i respect someone who says recovery is so FREAKIN' AWESOME, who thinks that they are entitled to share as a main speaker at convention, just because they happen to reside in the town the convention is being held in. there are members who are really suffering, and those who ask for help, in their shares, or personally, earn my respect. those who pay lip[ service than retreat back into their fantasy world of entitlement and lack of any responsibility, well they also get the respect that they earn, which is a big fat ZILCH!
what does this have to do, with relapse and reservations? a great question but first a word from this sponsor:

Casey W,
Congrats on 4 years clean,
and your first clean date out from CDOC.
be well my friend and sponsee.

back to the topic at hand. part of the issues i have with going to meetings ids the crap that these self-promoters share. just because you say sh!t with more enthusiasm or louder, does NOT make it any more real. when you toss a fellow addict under the bus, the result is the same, the go away and you get to wash your hands of everything, because it was not you that asked those heinous questions and pressed for an a real answer instead of an invasive one.
i get all of that, as that was once and could quite easily once again,. be me. i know all about wanting to be a convention speaker, but i was quite bluntly told to go and get some recovery and not just clean-time first. i was also the one, that encouraged another to step up, and did nothing to support them in their effort to be a part of service to the fellowship. after all the stench of their failure would reflect poorly one me, if i allowed myself to look like i was attached to them. i certainly wished someone had sat me down, way back when, and told me 30 days does not make a TENTH STEP. it is barely a good start, but i had to learn that lesson for myself as well. i drive a 12 year old car, with 200K mileage on it, BUT i earned that right, with my fruit of my labors. i GET to go on vacation, but once again, i earned every penny that i will spend, through my own efforts. today i GET to wake up, go to work, make a shekle or two and be a part of the REAL world, and walk respectfully through my day with my head held high, because not i am entitled to this life, because i earned it, one day at a time. i am grateful, that the TENTH STEP is part of my daily life and that i have no illusions about living a step before i have actually worked a step formally.
i could go on, today my biggest reservation is can i keep going to meetings when the peers i respect the least are the ones that have the loudest and most redundant voices? hmmm, that may be a great question to talk to someone about!

∞ DT ∞