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is what i seek when i CHOOSE to put expectations on my life and the events that may comes from living that life. quite honestly, unless i lock myself in a room, do door dash for every meal and never, ever interact with a single soul, life is prone to smack me upside my head with an unpleasant event or two, when i least expect it. i do remember going down the list of things that might provide me a reason to use. each and every one of those unpleasant events all had something in common, the pain i expected to feel as a result of them occurring. staying clean and living through a few of those events has taught me that the pain may feel unbearable at the time, but it fades and using will not make it fade any faster. in fact, watching some of my peers go through their trials and tribulation while using has shown me that kicking that can down the road does little to enhance my life in the here and now. i am more about the here and now today than i am about reliving my past or projecting how i “might” if something comes to pass.
i am a firm believer in the theory that there are absolutely no “accidental” relapses. i do not, however, walk through my life in abject fear about the possibility of relapsing. i do not have a tattoo with my clean date on my body, nor do i care to ever had that sort of “permanent” reminder. i have often said that i am clean today and all i can commit to, is to be clean when i lay my head on the pillow to go to sleep at the end of today. what i believe “protects” from relapse is my desire to love a program of recovery, by applying the 12 steps to my daily existence. i do not avoid unpleasant or uncomfortable feelings, nor do i attach all sorts of expectations about how i might feel. life is far too short and for me, too precious to waste away, worrying about what may come. i do what i can to be okay with living life on its own terms and allow myself to follow the lead of those who have walked this path before me and the POWER that fuels my recovery, as anonymous as that POWER, just may be. i can say today, that i have no reservations, but that is not because i have actually considered the question. it is because i choose not to dwell in that house anymore. i just may stumble across a reservation or two as i walk out the door and face the world, but so far, none are in sight and i certainly hope to keep it that way, just for today.

∞ DT ∞