โ i seem to carry within me a catalog of anticipated misery closely related to my fears. โ
Posted: Mon, Feb 19, 2007 07:29:06 AM
i can learn how to survive pain by watching other members live through similar pain.
that catalog is the entire litany of the outcomes of the various forms of FEAR i have developed over the course of living. the reading today speaks to FEAR only briefly and is more focused on the word reservations and how that applies to addicts who choose to find recovery in the fellowship that i have. it is difficult for mew to separate my fears from my reservations, so when i choose to look through the musty corridors of the dank dungeon i call my mind, i cannot examine my reservations without examining the fear that is behind them. i have been especially blessed in the course of my recovery, i dealt with some of the most common biggies right off the bat. i lost both my grandmothers with the first nine months of recovery, i lost one of my peers to suicide within the first ninety days. so death of a loved one or a close friend are events that i know i can survive without using, and that has been proven at least once more during the course of my recovery. i also know that i can help a terminally ill loved one face the end of their life with dignity and respect. since i had no significant other for the first five years of my recovery, i know i can be alone without being lonely. and i know i can have violent disagreements with those people i love (and i do not mean physical) and still not use. not that any of those events are painless -- far from it -- BUT i can accept the pain, walk through the FEAR and survive another day without using.
so i know i still more than likely have a reservation or three floating around my mind, and perhaps one day they will be revealed to me, today however i can think of nothing that is too painful for me to bear without the use of drugs. i have FAITH that vigilance and adherence to this new manner of living will give me the tools i need to face those unnamed reservations when they appear, all i have to do is not use and this too shall pass -- life in recovery is like that.
that catalog is the entire litany of the outcomes of the various forms of FEAR i have developed over the course of living. the reading today speaks to FEAR only briefly and is more focused on the word reservations and how that applies to addicts who choose to find recovery in the fellowship that i have. it is difficult for mew to separate my fears from my reservations, so when i choose to look through the musty corridors of the dank dungeon i call my mind, i cannot examine my reservations without examining the fear that is behind them. i have been especially blessed in the course of my recovery, i dealt with some of the most common biggies right off the bat. i lost both my grandmothers with the first nine months of recovery, i lost one of my peers to suicide within the first ninety days. so death of a loved one or a close friend are events that i know i can survive without using, and that has been proven at least once more during the course of my recovery. i also know that i can help a terminally ill loved one face the end of their life with dignity and respect. since i had no significant other for the first five years of my recovery, i know i can be alone without being lonely. and i know i can have violent disagreements with those people i love (and i do not mean physical) and still not use. not that any of those events are painless -- far from it -- BUT i can accept the pain, walk through the FEAR and survive another day without using.
so i know i still more than likely have a reservation or three floating around my mind, and perhaps one day they will be revealed to me, today however i can think of nothing that is too painful for me to bear without the use of drugs. i have FAITH that vigilance and adherence to this new manner of living will give me the tools i need to face those unnamed reservations when they appear, all i have to do is not use and this too shall pass -- life in recovery is like that.
∞ DT ∞