Blog entry for:

... examining my expectations and altering them where i can. instead of telling myself i will have to get high if this happens, i can quietly reassure myself that i, too, can stay clean through whatever life brings me today. well, quite a thought for today, however the path my mind takes me down is rooted in the phrase ‘alter my expectations’. i can see where my expectations have been getting me in trouble lately, and the visit to my home away from home group, opened my mind to some possibilities and to the fact i am expecting way to much from the addicts who are currently serving my home group. as a result, i go off and the get the brunt of my unmet expectations, that i have simmered into nice little resentments. thinking back on how the group was run, when i was younger in recovery, and actually believed i was in control about how the group was structured and what we presented as the message of our fellowship, i see very little difference between them and i. the only difference was we had no one with any experience to guide us down the path, and did what we could, mistakes and all, to grow the fellowship. it was just two of us, against all odds that kept the doors open and did what we could with our minimal experience to have real meetings that met the criteria of our fellowship. my problem is what i see as guidance when i am providing it, comes off as control and checking up on things. what i see as sharing my experience to avoid the mistakes of the past, comes off as arrogant and judgmental. and unfortunately due to being one of the two that were here and stayed around, my voice carries far more weight than any one addict’s voice needs to. the solution? well i am thinking it is time to start participating as a home group member elsewhere, to be one of the many, instead of one of the two. this idea popped into my head the other day, and i am carrying the thought out to its final conclusion. not that i will stop attending and dropping my bucks in the basket, but i will consider leaving the group conscience process to those other members and move on.
time will see, the path before me is hardly clear, but i can move forward with a minimum of fear, after all, the group will survive without my bullying and guidance.
so what does that have to do with relapse and reservations? well not a lot, but the HOPE is that as i examine my silly expectations rationally, i will explode them as easily as this one, one at a time. so off to the trenches and innto the fray!

∞ DT ∞