Blog entry for:

relapse is a sign that there is a reservation in my program, I HAVE RESERVED A SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES OR EVENTS AS AN EXCUSE TO USE.
i have heard just about everything, when it comes to relapse. and the upshot of all of that talk, is i can hear the same sort of lies emanating from within. of life is too painful, i am so lonely, no one gets me, i only feel comfortable when i am with using addicts and on and on, ad nauseum! sometime i wonder where my recovery would be, if i spent as much time working on my program as i do trying to disqualify myself from the success that working a program of active recovery brings. of course, that springs me back to the whole topic of relapse, since that is not yet part of my experience, except to be a witness to it.
not having relapsed since deciding to become a member, no matter how grudgingly, it is quite easy for me to sit on my metaphorical high horse, and judge the programs of those around me, who have relapsed. when i participate in such a familiar behavior, judging from on high, i am starting to stake out the territory that will provide me the excuse i NEED to use once again. i get this and yet the temptation to judge is so overwhelming…
where am i going with this? well the first thought i had after reading this, this morning, was a litany of all those who i know that have relapsed and come back. yes, i know that there is a tired bromide around the rooms about being grateful for such addicts, after all their experience can teach me that i NEED NOT FOLLOW in their footsteps. i really hate when i hear about the relapse guy role, and there is a part of me, who feels that is so humiliating and debasing that i want to slap the words out of mouth of the member who happens to be spouting that garbage.
there i go again, back on that high horse.
honestly, judging or not, there is anger there and when i get angry, of course i fall back into those patterns of behavior that are the most comfortable and familiar.
sorry about the tangent there, it is one of my pet peeves, as i do understand relapse is a choice and sometimes all those returning from relapse need is the slightest excuse to walk away again.
after running all of that through my head, the next topic that came to me, was am i walking towards a relapse myself? if i was walking the edge of that precipice, could i recognize it, and most importantly would i do anything to walk away from the edge? using the filter of the steps, CAN provide me the means to see where my program of recovery is headed. when i find myself skipping some of the daily tasks that have kept me clean, for whatever reason, i have started to turn towards the edge. when i find myself contrasting and comparing myself to the members that i do share my recovery with, i have made that dangerous turn. when i cannot shut off the inner critic when i am at a meeting, my journey to the heart of darkness has begun. yes i know how dire that sounds, and for me, it is what i need to believe and practice, as that journey can just as easily be rerouted back on to the safe ground of active recovery.
my final train of thought, on this topic this morning, was where am i holding a place for relapse. i have been through the death of loved ones, and stayed clean. grief for me is not part of that territory. no what i came up with is the old bugaboo, of after so many days clean, perhaps i should give it try again, because i can hardly be an addict, an addict HAS to use every day, and i know that from before.
nothing all that original there, so i am after all, just the same as all of those members who are in the rooms right here and right now. as such, i NEED to do what has kept me clean so far, since the very first time i identified as an addict and actually meant it -- which was not the first meeting i attended, nor was it the day after my clean date -- it was Greeley Colorado thirteen months and a few weeks after my clean date. as sad as that sounds, it is my experience and the thing i most grateful for is that my FEAR of the legal consequences GOT me to the place where i was ready to accept the first step into my being. the culmination of that process was still several months off, but at least i was finally on the road to recovery.
where dose that leave me? well with a desire to do my best to live a program of recovery today. look for more than just discovering how not to use today and be more than i was yesterday. i can succeed at all of that and much, much more, as long as i stay clean, just for today. so the time has come to hit the streets and work towards being a little bit more fit, physically than i was yesterday, a little bit less of a man in this regard, such as it is. it is after all a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞