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other members live through similar pain, i can lean to adjust my expectations. reservations are the result of my expectations, met and unmet? well i certainly can see the met part, if this happens i will use. the latter is a bit trickier, but i can see how that applies as well. i can hear myself saying that if life does not get better i do not know what i will do. the expectation is that recovery will improve my life. the signs of that improvement is where the going gets a bit wicked. here is where my expectations jam directly into life on life's terms. this is where i have witnessed more than one addict in recovery stumble and fall. this is the place i focus my discussion this morning, because, for me, i can see myself falling into that same trap.
so exactly, do i believe is my life getting better. well first and most obvious, there is material success. as i GET to accumulate things, i must be successful and that must mean that i am recovering, after all, the more things i have the better off i must be and the better i have to look in the eyes of my peers and those who are part of my life. so when, all of a sudden the bottom drops out of my material success, i must be doing something wrong, hence recovery is the problem, so why bother. after all, living a spiritual program is keeping me from doing the things i NEED to do to get ahead. honesty and integrity must be holding me back, so time to return to the dawg eat dawg world view and get what is MINE! i can easily dismiss the material sense of success, after all, i never have been one of those who feels my self-worth is measured by the material things i accumulate. do not get me wrong, i like things and i like to look good to those around me, so there is an intellectual and emotional disconnect there, and always has been, i have known this for quite some time. it does not however, dictate how i live for the most part.
secondly is how popular i am, or better put, how well respected i think i am through the eyes of my peers and those with whom i share my life. this is the real bane of my recovery, as the harder i deny my need to be accepted the more and more it is put up into my face and if everyone cannot see how well i am doing, than i must need new peers, friends and acquaintances. it the fellowship that is failing me, hence my recovery is not successful, so exactly what is the point. after all, i have no more respect or esteem from others than i did way back in the day, where at least i could get some by having the biggest bag in the room.
of course, there is always emotional success, and here is quite an interesting measure of success. when i was using, part of the benefit i was given, was not having any feelings, or if i had a feeling or two, i could quickly get rid of it. so in recovery, i have feelings all the time, and i have not yet come to appreciate them for the gift they are, and sometimes, it feels like i just need to get rid of them for 20 minutes or so and i will be okay. recovery was supposed to replace my judgements about feelings with an acceptance of them. that has yet to happen, and if i was serious about this reservation, it certainly could be a place where i could step out.
no the best i can do, is tolerate my feelings, let go of my expectations about what and when they are supposed to happen and stay clean no matter what. this does get easier, most days, BUT if i used this as a measure of success in my recovery i would give myself a D-, passing but just barely. certainly a relapse in the making and it why i focus so much of my recovery work in this area.
I DO NOT WANT TO RELAPSE TODAY, AND I DO KNOW HOW NOT TO USE, NO MATTER WHAT!
anyhow, there you have it. the good, the bad and the oh so ugly. i know hat i need to do, i know what i want to do, most importantly i have the structure in place to get me through a day of unmet expectations, no matter how petty or how ginormous they may be. on that note, i guess it is time to hop in the shower and get rolling on my day, it is after all, a good day to get a few expectations fulfilled.

∞ DT ∞