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nor is a relapse something that is unplanned. regardless of how many times, i have heard one of my peers protest about how freaking powerless they were over their relapse, the cause is always the same. that cause? a space they themselves carved out of their program via reservations. whether that reservation was that they could “hang” with their old crew, shoot pool in a league, or my favorite: “i never had a problem with alcohol!” the fact is, relapses are pre-planned and set into motion, long before they actually occur. i myself am working on carving out a bit of territory in that region, right now.
this whole twisty-turny crap about wondering why i stay, is exactly that, building up a reservation, so i can justify my next use.as i sat this morning, one of the things i felt was would i really continue to sit, if i decided that just a little drop of poison, every now and again, was not a bad idea. i remember wary back when i wanted to take the $30.00 transcendental meditation course, they made me abstain from using substances for 30 days, and once i got it, i discovered i could not do it, once i started getting high again. i tell myself that this time it will be different, but i am quite sure, that this time it will be exactly the same. meditation will fly right out the window as well of all the benefits that act provides.ion fact i am quite sure that quite quickly i will decide that getting high is worth the pain of losing meditation, just part of the cost of doing bidness!
today, i can say i stay because the effort of staying and the benefits staying provide, far outweigh whatever i could get out of my next use. this is how it is for me today, i GET to stay clean, explore my reservations so my “accidental” use does not come to fruition and for that i am grateful.

∞ DT ∞