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is one of those loaded terms that end up with someone getting loaded, namely me. over the course of the past few years, i certainly have felt the pain of life on its own terms. loss of a job, loss of a parent, the isolation of the pandemic and the generalized fear that nothing is ever going to be alright, again. to say that i NEVER, EVER considered doing a bit of this or that, to “take the edge off,” would be an outright lie. more than once, using felt as if was the next right thing to do, and each time i came to a place where i could go one way or another, i fell back on my FAITH that the program had given me enough resources to get through, yet another day, if i chose to go that way. so far, i continue to choose the path of staying clean and doing my best to live a program of recovery.
this morning, as i look ahead to the next few days, i see a coding test, three interviews with new employers and a technical interview, on my weakest link. there is all sorts of feelings going through my being right now, FEAR and ANXIETY, are topping the list. my plan for today has been altered at least a hundred times since i sat this morning and it all deals with what i will do this afternoon and where i will do it. i feel that doing the coding exercise while enjoying a cigar may be the most relaxing way to proceed, but i am concerned about the Wi-Fi connection and my ability to do any research i may need to do. at home, i have a stable wired connection and can use my desktop and laptop in tandem to get the answers to the questions that may perplex me. the one thing i KNOW i will certainly do, is get out of the house and over to my home group. after that, well, perhaps it is just better for me to take this day, one activity at a time and see how things roll.
quite honestly, since losing my job, using has not been on my mind at all. in fact, i have been determined to make the most of this “time off” by making my job search and skill training, a full-time job. as tiring as the calls are form the “body-shoppers” and professional recruiters have been, i know that i need to be courteous, polite and assertive about where or not i can move forward and help them meet their “quota” of warm bodies for the day. i have never been very good at being a warm body and my last job is indicative of that fact. instead of asserting myself and doing what i needed to do, i tried to hide in the shadows and just get by. as one can tell, that strategy did not pay off. in my next position i will let them know, that i know what i am doing and quickly ask for help, when i do not have a clue.
the time has come to ease on, ease on down the road and get to my home group. i am good this this morning even though i know “good” is not really a state of being. i guess, better put i am feeling whole and genuine and mostly self-assured. cigar or not, i will do the next right thing and see what follows next, just for today.

∞ DT ∞