Blog entry for:

that i have a reservation in my program. today would have been the fifth anniversary of one of the men, i once sponsored. he decided after finally getting out to a half-way house, that following their rules and regulations was too much of a burden to bear, and has disappeared into the ether and a haze of using.
me? once i got here, i have not found the need to use, to be greater than my desire to stay clean, even in those heinous dark, and dank early days, when the only force keeping me clean, was the threat of prison and the 20th Judicial District. so i often wonder, what is it that separates me from those who seem to favor the revolving door method of recovery?
i cannot speak for them, as much as i would love to place some motives on their behavior, i will not do so this morning. no instead, i will think about how i ended up in this place, when all i wanted when i came to the rooms was to get of trouble with the law.
i have often said, that i wars sentenced to recovery, and as apt as that statement may be, it misses the point. i only stayed here in the beginning to look good and to comply with the conditions of my probation, the whole “render unto Cæsar gig.” there is no reason that i should be sitting here today, after all, i see it all the time, those who are forced to attend, show up,. look good and when the sword is gone <BOOM> so are they, so what was it that made me different enough to be still be doing this recovery gig.
it certainly was not a desire to take inventories, allow a HIGHER POWER to care for my will and my life, make amends and carry the message. none of that was part of who i thought i was. it was not a desire to be something more than a using addict, as at that time, i felt i was quite satisfied with my life. no, at that time, i had no ties to anything looking or feeling like the desire to stop using; a strong aversion to GOD and anything resembling religion; and decades of using nearly every single day in one way or another. so how did the switch get flipped to make me a member instead of just someone trying to look like a member. that is one of the greatest mysteries in my life. there had to be pay-off that i cannot remember, as in those days, everything had a pay-off. part of it was that i started to go back to college and for the first time in twenty tears i was actually on a path that would lead me to making more money. i had made a few friends, not just acquaintances and hanging out with people that were not all FUBAR was an enjoyable experience. all of a sudden i had a disposable income, that i disposed of quite well, instead of watching it go up in smoke. all of that, and growing sense that my life could be better than it was, kept me coming back, until the switch was flipped and here i am today.
my story is not that much different than those of my peers, including the ones who live in the revolving door, one foot in and one on the way out. the POWER that fuels my recovery has given me the desire to become the sort of person i never dreamed possible and the path to that transformation, only comes through the steps and a program of active recovery. could i too, become one of those who has a relapse in their story? of course i can, because i am not immune to the causes and conditions that will take me out. i know how to quickly change my feelings. i know how to escape my worries, fears and insecurities and i know where i could go and hide out, to look like i was doing the deal, but not really.
yes, even with all of that knowledge, today i am staying clean because i like the consequences, money, friends, love, self-respect and a career that i never dreamed was possible. so although there might be something else i need to add here today, i do need to get down to work top earn that money that i am quite fond of having. today? well today i am a member and will do whatever it takes to stay clean.

∞ DT ∞