Blog entry for:

of my peers make me feel, can be a motivation to continue to strive for becoming the man i have always wanted to be. i certainly know all about people-pleasing as well as being a passive-aggressive sort of sh!t. both of those notions came up this morning as i sat, but they quickly faded to the general din of background noise. what popped to the top of the stack, was once again how was i ever going to surrender and accept the movement of my THIRD STEP from my heart to my head, when i DESIRE to quantify everything.there certainly were no “answers.” there was no flash of light or booming thunder. what i did feel was that it was time to stop worrying about what may be and look at what is.
more than anything, on most days, i want to be seen, by my peers as having THE TRUTH about how recovery works, when in fact, on a daily basis, i learn how much i do not know about the TRUTH of this recovery gig and i have to fall back into a state of FAITH. at my home group this morning, i was reminded as i shared about my current struggle that i did not have anything resembling FAITH, when i got clean. all i had was a head for of stories i could tell myself about how f*cking different and unique i was and the wall i had built between myself and the rest of the world. that wall, provided the evidence for the story that i did not care one bit what others thought of me. those stories kept that wall intact for years longer than it needed to be and allowed me to live in a state of fear and self-loathing. it was finally through an act of total self-preservation that i finally allowed myself to start to look at those stories and allow my peers into my life, by finally becoming a member of the fellowship on which my new life has been based. it is the the shards of those exploded stories that are preventing me from being okay with not knowing the shape of the POWER that fuels my recovery, even though i have FAITH that IT exists and is active in my life. the yin of recovery versus the yang of addiction, creates the whole of who i am today.
now, as i write about this i see it is FEAR of becoming something i cannot quantify that is holding me back and once i let go of the story that i NEED to know, in order to move forward, i may actually be able to do so.
a year ago, i commenced on a journey to make myself more fit and that journey has led to an obsession about the quantity of steps i take on a daily basis. only recently have i been looking at the quality of those steps and having the desire to make them count more, by boosting my pulse rate and intensifying that activity. when i post this little ditty to the inter-webs, my next activity will be to do just that, run a route that i only walked a week ago. put some quality as well, as a quantity to an activity that is providing benefits beyond my imagination. where once i viewed myself as fat and lazy i am starting to see myself as fitter and more dedicated to becoming more. the next task after that, is to take off the ads that i once believed were going to sustain my financial health, even though i did very little to drive the traffic necessary to do so. no more magic thinking, at least in this respect and when doing the next right thing, for me, i can be certain that it may make me look better in the eyes of my peers, it is my opinion of myself that needs to be revised, not their opinions, just for today.

∞ DT ∞