Blog entry for:

keeps me clean, is an active presence in my life. i make no bones about that fact these days, that POWER does not **help** me stay clean that POWER is the source of my recovery. the path to that art of my understanding has been long and winding and my greatest FEAR today seems to be that if i write about that POWER, by putting down on paper what i “know” in my heart, i will impose limits on that POWER and i will return to my notion of “GOD-in-the-Box.” even writing this little ditty about the nature of how i see that POWER today strikes an ominous chord in my psyche. as illogical and irrational as all that sounds, that happens to be my reality today.
there is hope for me, however, and that hope comes from those who happen to have more time clean and can help me see through the smoke of self-deception and fantasy:

Carlos G.,
THIRTY-SIX (36) years clean.
WOW! Thank you for sticking around and
becoming part of my recovery journey.

i have no fantasies about what i am today and very few fantasies about where my life is going. the stories that i once used to buttress the fantasy that i did not need any sort of GOD or HIGHER POWER to stay clean, have been exploded for the myths they are. i no longer need to shore up my self-esteem and self-worth by pretending that i am either not in need of repair or am beyond repair. i know today that i am just a garden variety addict and that without a POWER in my life to fuel my recovery, i would be dead, in an institution or locked up in jail. i also know that without the example of my peers, positive and negative, i would have no measure of where i am. the simple fact of the matter is that through my daily journey through life, i get everything i need, if i pay attention and take the opportunities as the arise.
what does the face of GOD look like? today i can say i do not know nor do i have to know. i have FAITH in what i have been taught: that a POWER does exist and that POWER keeps me clean. i have FAITH that if i continue to live the life i am living, staying clean each and every day, i will be better suited to walking on two legs through a confusing and often frustrating world, one more day. my life is not what i once imagined it would be and it is certainly not how i fantasized it would be. my life is what it is and just for today, i think i will be grateful that i do have a POWER in that life to provide for my needs and KEEP ME CLEAN!

∞ DT ∞