Blog entry for:

if i am not comfortable with what i learned when i was growing up, i can try a different approach to my spirituality. well having said more than once that i cam to recovery with less than a surety in the existence of a HIGHER POWER, i will not prattle on and on about what happened when and how. today i have a belief system that is spiritually based and understand where the power to stay clean and live a program of recovery comes from, and it is certainly not me!
but there are a few things on my plate that i need to dump this morning. actually just one big thing, my fellowship nazi has returned in force and instead of being quiet, that part of me that thinks it knows what is best for recovery has decided the time to speak out has once again arrived. i slept very poorly for a variety of reasons last night, the biggest issue was i was unable to let go of a notion. as i tossed and turned i got more and more angry over the direction my home group has been taking over the past couple of months. all of a sudden, it appears to me as if the group is more concerned about the social aspects of recovery and looking good. i am as much at fault for this turn as anyone else, for i have failed to speak up and let my not so humble opinion be heard. so here i sit this morning, tired and still more than a bit pissed-off writing about an issue that my group faces, and shifting the blame on to someone else. after all, i cannot be at fault! so what is the solution to my dilemma? well i really really really need to start doing my step work, i am finally becoming entirely ready to have my character defects removed, as they are popping out all over the place and making me look bad. yes, doing things for the sake of appearances is part of what i am angry about. and yes when i find myself angry, most of the time it is because i see someone else acting in a manner that shows the less than savory side of me. my life in recovery is funny that way, as in ironic and not humorous! so what is that loving POWER that provides for my needs trying to get me to do? well unless i am way out in left field, i would say that i am being tapped on the shoulder with a spiritual awakening -- do your step work you idiot! so after my little puke, i guess i can still come back around to topic, after all, my belief in a POWER GREATER THAN me is what keeps me on the path of recovery. and so i believe i may just do a bit of step work today and see what happens! life is after all too precious to waste on being angry, when i have the solution in front of me. and the nazi? well i will speak to what i see at the group conscience next week and leave the results up to that same POWER, after all i am just another recovering addict!

∞ DT ∞