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need to fit in -- because i belong. the simple fact of the matter, is despite my best effort to fit in, anywhere, i never did. it is true that if one were not to dig too deep, one might assume i was part of this group or that, but i was, as i have often shared, a master of disguises and capable of playing any role i needed to play. it is kind of ironic that i was not considered a good actor on stage and never used my “god-given” talents to launch an acting career. i guess being an actor in all my affairs, may not translate as being an actor on the stage or screen.
when i finally made a commitment to recovery, i was far from ready to stop being who i was not, in order to fit in. in fact, for a while there things became even worse, as i was bound and determined to be the best fVcking addict in recovery that the world had ever seen. i am grateful that i did very little long lasting damage and actually helped in a few small ways. learning to live a life not based in self-obsession and self-importance, has allowed me to become what i am today, and that person is more than a bit different than the man who fought tooth and nail the notion that he was some sort of sick addict. this morning, as i consider what it may mean to just be me, as eccentric and flawed as i may be, i get the notion that i “should” have stopped wasting my time to be what i am not and never was. a long, long time ago.

Carlos G,
CONGRATS on XLI (41) years clean!
Thank you for lighting my way! 😊

the upshot of all of this, is that i am walking through a trackless wilderness, attempting to figure out who i just may be. with the death of my parents and my connections to my siblings becoming a bit stronger, there is a faint path for me to follow. i know that i enjoy being on the top of mountains, running, premium hand-rolled cigars and small batch coffee. i n=also know that posers and parrots are not on the top of my list of people with whom i have the desire to hang out. i also know that i want a stronger connection to those i love as well as those with whom i share DNA. how to actualize all of that and fit it into my identity as a recovering addict, is an ongoing process and one that for the most part i am willing to be a part of, every single day. of course some days are better than others and i have been know to be a bit reactive from time to time, but as i remove those vexatious influences from my life, i just may be able to find a path to tolerating and accepting them. i am comfortable in my skin today, and for that i am grateful and ready to get out and face this day, no matter what it may bring.

∞ DT ∞