Blog entry for:

**God** has been and can be a troublesome word, just for today, that is not the case, and that is a good thing. so here i have the opportunity once again, to go through the whole evolution of how i view the POWER that fuels my recovery, but i have done that far too many times, and today, i think i will travel another road, before i start that journey:

Carlos G
CONGRATS on 32 years clean.
Thanks for illuminating my path.

the path i travel today, has been lit by the guidance of my sponsor, and as twisty and turny as it felt at times, the amazing part, is it brought me to where i am today. this whole notion of religion and freedom to choose, is so unique to this fellowship, it is overlooked by most of my peers. they find the standard definition, one that is not too far from the one they had growing up, to be more than adequate for them, when i had to struggle to get to a place where i was not just playing the “as if” card. the ease that some of my peers, slide into that relationship, fills me with rage, from my envy of them. there are times i wish i could just go with that particular flow and join them in their spiritual journey, however, for me that is not the case, and that difference is something i should celebrate instead of lament. BECAUSE i am not comfortable in that particular norm, i have something different to offer others when it comes to choosing a POWER greater than themselves. i can actually provide some guidance based on my experience and not on “book knowledge.”
so when i see one of my peers squirming under the yoke of, member after member sharing this and that about GOD, i can take them aside later and let them know, that this too shall pass, and no matter what it looks like, right here and right now, they truly do have FREEDOM to choose, or if the case may be, NOT TO CHOOSE any sort of concept of a HIGHER POWER. i can assure them,. that they will not be drummed out of the fellowship for coming to believe that there may not be any power greater than the group and the fellowship as a whole.
moving along, i can also see my peers squirm when i start in, about this very subject. there are times, when i take great pleasure in challenging their belief structures, as my was, and when that structure finally crumbled the system put into its place, was a whole lot more fluid and flexible. yes i can say the word “GOD” without cringing today, because i have systematically stripped away the connotations that word has for me. i have FREEDOM, at least today, from the effects of the word GOD, and that is the result of this journey through my heart of darkness. i have seen the pits of my despair and the worse part the loneliness i felt, because i could not embrace any concept of GOD. i have felt disappointment when my prayers to one form of GOD or another, failed to bring me what i greatly desired. and as i look back on all of that, the truly wonderful part has been, that no matter what my notion, i still have been given the power to stay clean today, and in the end, that is exactly what this is all about, STAYING CLEAN and relying on a POWER greater than addiction, to provide me the means to do so.
so i think i have made enough waves this morning and it is time to hit the showers and get ready to work.

∞ DT ∞