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certainly was **unreliable and self-destructive,** when i started this recovery gig. be that as it may, by living a program of active recovery, just for today, for several thousand days in a row, i am quite certain that is no longer the case, most of the time. yes, all sorts of qualifiers in that last sentence. being someone who no longer deals in absolutes, that makes a lot of sense.
when i came to recovery, long before i actually was anything more than clean, i “knew” what the correct next thing to do was, all of the time. anything that furthered my selfish, self-seeking agenda, was the next act to carry out. even when i was doing something that appeared to be altruistic or selfless, it was all about what i could gain and for me, every single “good deed,” had to be documented by someone else. an application of the question of the tree falling in the wood, does it make any sound if there is nothing around to “hear” it? if no one witnessed my seemingly spontaneous act of kindness, i certainly had to share about it, so i could get the recognition i felt i was entitled to receive.
after i came to become a member and actually start to live a program of recovery, this attitude slowly became less and and less attractive to me, but it persisted because i lacked the respect of myself to do anything different. i had been a low-life for so long, i was doomed to remain one the rest of my life, recovery was not “removing” my tendencies to show how “recovered” i was becoming.
looking back on those days of committee service, i now believe that i was making it worse by finding a stage to show my peers how much “better” i was than when i arrived. it was not until my sponsor suggested that i serve my fellowship on the down-low, rather than in white hot spotlight, that i started to see that the respect i had for myself was not dependent on the respect i generated from my peers. that suggestion, even though it was about how i served the fellowship that has given me this new manner in which to live, became central to how i behaved in my daily life. as one of my peers says, if i want self-esteem, i have to do behave in an esteemable manner. as that attitude took over, i found myself seeing and doing the next right thing more often than not. more importantly, i did not need recognition to do it again. it is not as if i became some sort of saint and i am far from a recovery guru, as when i do the next right thing, i can hardly say that my motives are “pure” or that i have found GOD's will for me.
speaking of the next right thing to do, it is time i wrapped this up and started my journey into work. this is normally my day to work from home, but today, i feel i need to drive into the office, after spending the last two weeks at home. i am quite content that i will be giving my employer value for what they pay me and being physically present is part of that equation, just for today. that inner voice that i once could not trust? well, the force oy recovery process has morphed it into a reliable guide of what to do, most of the time and i find myself confident that i can use its input to guide my actions through this twenty-four.

∞ DT ∞