๐ซ even with ๐ซ
Posted: Mon, Dec 15, 2025 07:06:18 AM
some time clean, my choices do not always pan out, dammit all! seriously, all snarky cynicism aside, i am not one of those who walks in the eternal sunshine of abject gratitude for the life i have. i see the places, in my life that i can choose to work on and improve and i see what i have to accept. over the course of my recovery, what i have to accept, is no longer a painful choice. i may not find it desirable, but i am not a victim of circumstances beyond my control. what i cannot control just is and i persevere through the effects that it has on my life, living one day at a time in active recovery. i sometimes wonder if those peers of mine who appear to live in that eternal sunshine, are actually being honest and truthful, or if they are just blowing smoke up everyone's asses. yes a touch of cynicism there, just to spice things up.
as i sat this morning, a couple of instances from my checkered past, bubbled up to the surface. they were years apart and totally out of context for my seed this morning, but what they had in common, was my “failures” in trying to be what i was not. both of them reflected an event on my life where i believed i was “bigger, badder and smarter” than i really was and ended-up getting beat down. not exactly a tasty dish for breakfast and as i get started on my FOURTH STEP, i sort of get what i was hearing, i can continue to live in the shadow of what i did and be less than kind to myself, or i can let go of that familiar and ancient behavior, which includes trying to appear bigger than i ma, and see where that decision takes me. i am certainly living in interesting times, spiritually and emotionally.
i do have to move on with my day, as i am working early today. i have a feeling that soon enough what was meant as a very part time occupation may become a more full time one, and i am not rushing with open arms to welcome that change into my life. just for today, however i can let the future stay in the future and get my ass in gear, to get moving out into the real world, persevering through whatever may come.
as i sat this morning, a couple of instances from my checkered past, bubbled up to the surface. they were years apart and totally out of context for my seed this morning, but what they had in common, was my “failures” in trying to be what i was not. both of them reflected an event on my life where i believed i was “bigger, badder and smarter” than i really was and ended-up getting beat down. not exactly a tasty dish for breakfast and as i get started on my FOURTH STEP, i sort of get what i was hearing, i can continue to live in the shadow of what i did and be less than kind to myself, or i can let go of that familiar and ancient behavior, which includes trying to appear bigger than i ma, and see where that decision takes me. i am certainly living in interesting times, spiritually and emotionally.
i do have to move on with my day, as i am working early today. i have a feeling that soon enough what was meant as a very part time occupation may become a more full time one, and i am not rushing with open arms to welcome that change into my life. just for today, however i can let the future stay in the future and get my ass in gear, to get moving out into the real world, persevering through whatever may come.
∞ DT ∞