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at what my peers are trying to tell me, is another of those activities i am less than thrilled to partake of, in fact, most of the time i would rather walk around in ignorant bliss believing that the path i am following is the most correct and **pure** one. learning how to take constructive criticism or a compliment, is part of breaking down the barriers between who i think i am and who i actually am. it is true, that constructive criticism does not always come in a form i find palatable and as a result, i am quick to shoot the messenger. when i choose to act differently the liar in me comes out and a plethora of rationalizations and justifications, come rolling down the pike. there is a silver lining, at least for me. when i look at my day and take inventory of what i did or did not do, i get a bit of clarity about what i saw and heard, in my thoughts and deeds. i have the opportunity to heal the wounded, whether that is the messenger i just unleashed my wrath upon, or myself when i get rolling about how “bad” i am.
compliments, on the other hand, are quite a different creatures altogether. the bulk of the stories i have crafted for myself, revolve around being too broken to ever get this “stuff.” it is a theme i hear often from my peers, so when one of them comments of the “good” they see in me, i go down the rabbit hole of “wow, do i ever have them fooled. if they really knew…” when i take a cold, hard, critical look at who i am and how i live my program these days, i can see that i really am doing better than i allow myself to believe. it is still true that i often do my best to “look good” in the eyes of my peers, but the irony is, when i do the next right thing, when i think no one is looking, they see me for my real self, and not the carnival barker version i attempt to portray.
this morning, even though i am feeling a bit under the weather, i am going to make a trip to the Rec Center to get some miles in. obsession for this addict comes in many forms and now that others are seeing the results of my fitness program, the obsession has kicked into over-drive. so it is off for some steps to see if i can sweat this cold out of me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞