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nor as spiritual as i think i am. replacing good and bad in the seed of this little exercise, fits me well. perhaps a bit too well. i have often shared that inside of me, i want to be seen as some sort of spiritual recovery guru, and often think that i have THE answer to any and all inquiries that come along the path, even when my opinion or advice is not specifically asked for. as i have grown in recovery, i have come to see that this is trait is far from appreciated by the recipients and is often counterproductive to fostering the sort of relationships i have come to cherish. how i came to this realization was not through “asking” anyone, but by being present for what is going on around me.
when i was sleepwalking through my recovery, and i was for many days in a row, i was obtuse to the fact that what and how i did things was far more important to those around me, than what i said. needless to say, that i had quite the rude awakening, when i finally came to in recovery. perhaps i am a slow learner, or decades of living in the fantasy world of active addiction, took its toll, but i was mortified by what i discovered as the nature of that rude awakening dawned upon me: my greatest fear had come true and i was seen as something that i abhorred, in the eyes of my friends, what few i had managed to keep around, my peers and certainly my family. most of my time after crossing that line in the sand has been in correcting who i am and living in a state of over-sensitivity to what i think, others think of me. this last set of steps has certainly provided me a framework to move beyond my fear of being judged less than adequate by those who are part of my life.
it is not like i am going to walk around asking everyone i see, what they think of me, i am far to insecure to do that. i may, however, pay greater attention to what others say and do as i walk through my life.what amazes me more and more, is the weight my opinions carry with some of the people in my world. once upon a time i would have cherished that reaction and used it to my advantage. that part of me, has not been eliminated but has certainly morphed into a conscious choice, rather than an auto-magic reaction. i want to be seen for who i am these days, and not some someone who walks on water and can do no wrong. my progression through the recovery process allows that to happen and yes, as the reading suggests, my view of who and what i am, is distorted by my character defects and the remnants of my cultural upbringing. when i say i never relapsed, despite having seven months between my first meeting and my clean date, i am speaking the truth, in a very literal and absolute manner. i went to that first meeting to comply and actually left the meeting thinking that this was never, ever going to be my life, after all, i do not use because i NEED to, i use because i WANT to use and am entitled to do so. when i say i was merely abstinent for my first eighteen months clean, despite having worked 12 steps in another fellowship, that to is the literal and absolute truth, as even then i had no desire to stop using. when i finally had the desire to be a member, i also developed the desire to have all the gifts that i saw other members, especially those with years clean, demonstrate and i did my best to emulate their behaviors, without having the experience of living a program of recovery. that also worked for a bit and finding myself at a crossroads when i finally woke up, i finally realized that IF i really wanted what they had, i had to do what they did, and into just pretend that clean-time was equal to recovery, hence my journey into false humility, denigrating my progress and attributing everything i had to some mystical outside force.
today, as i look for the focus of my next set of steps, i am beginning to wonder who exactly i have become and where do i go from here. maybe it is time for me to do as the reading suggests and get some input form those who know me the best, my peers in recovery. it is a good day to be clean and even a better one to further my journey out of my heart of darkness.

∞ DT ∞