Blog entry for:

the way others do, so paying attention to what my peers, friends and family members say to me, is an important part of my recovery. i got a very important example of how i do not want to come off to others last night, when a talk show broke out during a recovery meeting. i could go on and on, about what happened, but to what end? i can say i was uncomfortable and behaved poorly,, texting back and forth with snide comments during the whole ordeal and as i sat last night and did my 10TH STEP, i saw everything i disliked, in what happened, as part of how i would like to act and resolved NEVER to be that person, EVER! yet, as i sit here this morning, i also see, how those who did not see things quite the same way as i do, thought that the experience was one to be repeated and wondered if i was missing the point, sacrificing history to remain humble and selfless, you know, anonymous and without name. what i felt this morning, is that i should have got up, walked out and not come back, rather than sit there and suffer in silence, volunteering to be a hostage and whining the entire time to my text buddy. so it goes, when one chooses to live by the sword, one often falls upon it themselves.
part of what upset me the most, is that i could see myself becoming that person. a “tourist” in the fellowship that gave me this life, a self-promoter and full of expectations that all who came after me, should bow down and praise me for my efforts to do what i am expected to do: CARRY THE MESSAGE! the fact is, i want glory and recognition for my efforts, a lifetime achievement award of some type. the fact is that sort of expectation will set me up for disappointment and resentment. the fact is, as bad as i might DESIRE to have what i saw last night, the more detrimental i see it being for me.living in the glory of my past accomplishments and leaving my fellowship behind, is not what i really want. i know that if i come expecting anything more than another day clean, i will not earn the respect of my peers, and the truth is, they are my peers, not my entourage or sycophants.
one of my peers once told me, that i “chose” who would get clean in our local fellowship. he stated flat-out that i lavished my attention and spent my resources on those select few, and left others to wither and die on the vine. whether or not that was true, is ancient history, but it certainly still rings loudly in my head, when i find myself wondering of someone is “worth” my effort. that sort of thinking, judging who i should reach out to, by some super secret set of emotional and bullsh!t criteria, is something i am acutely aware of, even to this day. i know that i cannot save anyone and certainly cannot be there for everyone who happens to tumble into the rooms. when i catch myself judging and weighing the value of others, i have to wonder, what would have happened if no one connected with me, way back when, even before i wanted to be connected to any sort of recovery program. where i em ending up right here and right now, is that no matter what, i will remain connected with my fellowship and even if that means subjecting myself to bouts of abject martyrdom. life is good today, because i am part of, rather than apart form, and i want those with whom i recover with, to know that no matter how many just for todays, i may accumulate, the fellowship and my recovery come first.

∞ DT ∞