Blog entry for:

to which i am blind, certainly is something to consider. ironically as i sat, my feelings about one of my peers, surfaced and attempted to tip my balance back into bitterness and resentment. i am pretty sure they realize what they did and may or may not feel remorse over it. their show-boating attempt at correcting that wrong, went over like a lead balloon, top those they really affected and made them look all contrite and humble to those who were not part of the entire self-serving affair. this morning, as those feelings bubbled up, i had to pause my quiet time and ask for acceptance of what was and the ability to let go and move on, with my life. the POWER that fuels my recovery gave me the “brake” i required and i was able to let go and listen. i have no expectation of ever saying what i thought of the whole affair and perhaps that is for the best, as i can now make it someone else's stuff.
moving into the here and now, the other topic that surfaced was my tendency to be self-effacing and self-abusive. i know part of that comes from the whole false humility trips i saw demonstrated by my peers in early recovery, specifically in order to look good, one had to pretend that they were really bad and never, ever take credit for any of the work one put into their recovery. everything was a “gift” of recovery that flowed from GOD and none of it one's own doing. i, too, bought this line of reasoning, hook, line and sinker, as i struggled to look like the most successful of my peers. in the end, as i finally became my own person and found my path to my spiritual side, i saw that for what it was for me, part of the act i put on, so no one knew how broken i really was. today i do not need to hide behind the walls of pretending to be just like my peers and those i encounter in my daily life, i am after all just another person, a recovering addict, who is doing his best to be better than he was.
there is freedom in not having to wrap what i do and say, in some sort of spiritual camouflage or psycho-babble, mumble-jumble. i can act as i do, and when i need to own a wrong, i do not have to bury it in excuses, rationalizations and justifications. as strong as my desire may be to go and give a peer, both barrels of the criticism they earned, i know it is spiritually healthier to walk away and allow others to live with what they may or may not find acceptable. which brings me to the point of having to post this little ditty on the internet and get a workout in, on this chilly end of December morning. i can be okay with who i am and i can ask others to let me know what they see, after all, this a program of progress, just for today.

∞ DT ∞