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... is not necessarily the way others do. i am probably neither as bad, as good, as beautiful, or as ugly as i think i am.
or for that matter anything at all the way i think i am. these four states of being are very vague and can easily be applied to anyone who happens to read this passage, which is a good thing. for me, here and now, i find myself tripping through the list of character defects that my sponsor and i came up with during my last passage through the twelve steps, and as i was meditating this morning i was ticking them off one by one trying to figure out whether or not each defect of character had been removed or not. and then i realized what a waste of my quiet time! it is not my job to remove my defects of character nor is it my job to maintain an ongoing inventory of what has or has not been removed. the reading was not about how much i have grown, but rather accepting what others have to say about me, in both the positive and negative sense. what do i mean by accept? a good question! there was a time when i would automagically dismiss any comment about me, after all what i knew about myself was the TRUTH period, end of discussion, i was not savvy enough to just shake my head and smile, i would have to argue the point and use all my abilities to intellectually bully my accuser into submission.
then i came to recovery and started to accept a bunch of new stuff and ideas, among them was the idea that i did not know anything about myself and that whatever i was told about me had to be true, so with injured feelings i shrank away into some corner to lick my wounds.
no what the concept of accepting what others say about me today means, is that i listen as rationally as possible. after they finish i either say thank you or nothing at all, and later, after the emotion of what they have said has been removed, examine their contents and see what behaviors led them to their conclusions. and once again become entirely willing to have my defects of character removed. although i have focused on what may seem to be the negative side of this whole passage, i have just as much trouble accepting a compliment or a positive comment about myself. i dismiss and minimize such comments away as quickly as i used to dismiss criticism of my character and behaviors. and as i walk further down this path i am beginning to realize that the nature of the comment positive or negative is not what is important, it is the content that is important. accepting a positive comment with the same process as a negative one can only help me see what is the TRUTH about this addict today. after all, all i want is a bit more of the the TRUTH and a whole lot less of the lies i have told myself since the dawn of me being aware that i am a person. life is far too short for this addict to continue the process of lying to myself, so i think i will move forward with my snow removal task of the day and ponder the nature of who i really am and where i am really going. it will take my mind off my aching back!

∞ DT ∞