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that no matter how hard i try to control how others see me, i will more than likely fail. i have often said that i **like** to allow others to see as BIGGER, BETTER and MORE than i really am. one of the stories i tell myself is that i have always **settled** for second best and i am **entitled** to be seen better than how i view myself. not a very secure place to dwell, but it certainly is part of who i am. asking for feedback from my peers and my friends is certainly something i shy away from, as i am afraid they will shatter the illusion that i have of them seeing me exactly as how i want to be seen.
certainly more than a little bit of self-will in that whole set of behaviors.
back after the meeting and having had saved away my work, without meaning to do so, just a bit of serendipity today, just like running past our usual meeting place to put up the sign saying we were in a new location. our speaker from Denver was in the parking lot and i got to “look good” by circling back and letting them know where we were meeting today. so when i let go of “needing” to get an espresso beverage, i got to help out two of my peers. i wanted to pretend i was all altruistic about it, and let them think i was actually being proactive, but i decided that honesty about being in the right place at the right time was what allowed me to do the next right thing.
the topic of the meeting today was insanity and not the normal insanity that the newest of the new face. no, our speaker was specifically speaking about the insanity that one faces after years clean. it took me to a place where i often dwell, specifically how everything is binary, either off or on. that certainly is true about some things in my life, i either smoke or i do not. i either am clean or i am using. in both of those cases one state precludes the other, but of course i can pare them down to ”well, just for right now,” which allows me to justify all sorts of nonsense and yes insanity.
so i am okay today and ready to head out for a long walk in the sun and slightly warming temperatures. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to get some steps in, before the sun sets and it gets really, really cold, once again.

∞ DT ∞