Blog entry for:

shed light on aspects of my recovery that i am unable to see for myself. although most6 of the time, i far too obsessed with self, to look at them as anything as a threat to my self-esteem. slashing back, defensively reactive, i often end up needing the corrective part of the TENTH STEP, and so it goes. when i am perfect, i will do all of this better, in the meantime, this is a program of progress not perfection.
my favorite cop-out and one of the largest loopholes i have ever discovered in 12 step programs, nearly as deadly as i used because i am an addict. i understand that both of those statements are part of cushioning the blow for our newer members and those who have trouble staying clean, but there comes a time and place in my recovery, where i NEED to stop accepting those as facts, and take the pain and suffering failing to be perfect can bring. it certainly is true, that every fact i know about recovery, i heard in my first ninety meetings. it is also true, however, that even way back then, i started seeking and finding the ways and means to discount, disown and generally deny that i was: one, a candidate for this program; and two, that this program would and could work for me.
ironically here is sit, still clean, when many of my peers from back in the day, those that i got clean with, even those who seemed to be firmly entrenched in the program and had much more to lose, if they used again, are gone, are dead or are just plain missing in action. it is the doubter, the recalcitrant and angry dude, who is still doing the gig, and today learning how to accept that no matter how it is wrapped, when someone comments on my behavior, favorably or unfavorably, it is certainly something that i need to accept, examine and if necessary, as the POWER that fuels my recovery, to remove it from my life.
so lots to do, many miles to go and only the same 24 hours in any day. who knows what this day will bring, i have my plans, but i am quite capable of letting go and allowing the day to unfold as it will. it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞