Blog entry for:

what exactly does that mean? my source material sort of, kind of defines it as doing what i need to do to stay clean today. what i do to stay clean, may or may not be what my peers do and what i read this morning makes that quite evident. i can honestly say that before i started actually working a program of recovery, the only thing i was steadfast about was getting what i thought i needed to get on a daily basis, regardless of what i had to do and the consequences of those actions. much has changed since those “good old days” and all of it for the better.
of course, today is the day when i could not stop my mind for going in all directions about memories from days way gone by, as i was attempting to sit. as a result i shaved off two whole minutes from my session. the cheating on time did not there as i shaved thirty seconds off my workout. two and a half minutes may not seem like a lot, but when i consider the whys and wherefores, i see that those decisions were really not in my best interest. i quickly made excuses for myself, as i justified my way through not finishing what i started. the biggest and most juiciest of those rationalizations was, “at least i did most of what i set out to do.”
here i sit, vacillating between self-flagellation and total dismissal and i can not sit still to find a spot somewhere in between. the fact is, i have been to the gym for over an hour since i returned there in late October. the fact is, i meditate twenty minutes, every day and have for nearly a decade. i am correct in that demonstrates steadfastness and discipline and my behaviors were a “slip” of sorts into a bit of being lazy, rather than trying a bit harder and of course i do deserve to give myself a break. now, if it becomes common place, well that becomes a far different story and one i will need to address head on.
looking at my life and what i was and what i have become, i get a good picture of what and who i may become. i know this has been a theme i have played around with, over the past few weeks and it is one that keeps, as i say in my line of work, “popping off the stack.” having arrived at a place of acceptance that my Mom has continued her decline into the vicissitudes of aging and dealing with my brother's anger as he comes out of his oh so comfortable denial about what is going on with her, has made me realize that i certainly have nothing figured out, save for the fact that IF i want to have a life worth living i have to be disciplined and steadfast in doing whatever it takes to make it so, just for today.

∞ DT ∞