Blog entry for:

i might not know, and they also will tell me the hard things, that i am not able to see. my reaction? to the good things is often one of dismissal, to the not so good, defensive and aggressive. neither reaction is the picture of spiritual health, and both are evidence of my ongoing insanity. the good news? well as time goes on, and i continue to work a program of active recovery, both of those reactions are diminished and i am more capable of putting those observations in their proper context. i do need to separate out both cases and write a bit on each, even though the reading was specifically focused on the latter. this morning what i heard was a message of taking what is observed about me in and being able to integrate it into my worldview of myself.
yes it is quite true, that no one likes to hear about their less than savory character defects and behaviors. this is more than likely a human trait that my addict within has managed to warp out of proportion. it is also probably true that reacting defensively to such observations is also part of the human condition. all of that being said, i am not an ordinary human, and neither are the members of my fellowship who are living an program of active recovery, we are extraordinary human beings, working with a single goal in mind -- to become the best people we can be, just for today. those members with whom i share my recovery with, have an different take on life and can see me for who i really am. their ability to strip away the façades that i erect, provides them with an insight that is beyond my ken. of course i am not going to like what i hear. of course i will react defensively to such observations. over time, HOWEVER, i have become capable of walking through the defensive barrier i erect and into a place of accommodation. i can take what they say, and with a critical eye, allow the program to manifest those changes necessary to eliminate or at least ameliorate those parts of me.
all of this is well and good, however the first case is truly the most problematic for me. i expect to hear about all the bad things i am, as that fits the image of myself i already possessed when i came to recovery. that image has slowly been eroded by the progress i have made, living a program of active recovery. as that image was already built long before the first time i used, the metamorphosis of that image into a picture of my true self is painfully slow. recovery has allowed that change to happen, BUT when i hear a compliment, my first thought is often that they cannot possibly be talking about me, what is it that they really want? in some situations with some people this is entirely appropriate. in most cases, however this is not and the next place i go is that i must be really fVcking good at acting as they cannot see me for who i really am! finally, i allow myself to accept that perhaps that other person does have a clue, and it is i who needs to allow my view of myself to be altered to fit this new information.
as one can see, the negative processes quickly in me, it is the positive observations which go through the major hurdles to get appropriately sorted. there would be no hope here, if i ended on that note. what has happened as i allow the process of the steps to manifest their change within me, is that is also being diminished as my view of who i really am, become closer to the real picture, someone between saint and sinner, who is striving to do his level best to live in the real world. so my task today is to take what i hear and allow it to be put into perspective so i can truly be self-aware and genuine, just for today.

∞ DT ∞