Blog entry for:

i want a broader vision of my life than just my own -- i can have that vision by seeing myself through the eyes of others. one of the things i have problems with, is allowing myself to judge myself through the eyes of others. this is not the same thing as seeing myself through the eyes of others, no matter how hard i try and spin it. my trip is to assume what they see, rather than ask, and for me appearances, especially my own, is far more important than reality. this was a trait that i acquired long before i ever picked up that first drug, and probably one that i will have to wait for quite a while to have removed. such as it is, i have to learn to tolerate this trait, and i am, because tolerance is the first step towards acceptance. and accepting myself as i really am, is a major part of humility. i sometimes tire of this whole process and believe that i am not changing at all. i still find the same defects of character that i have had since i became aware as a human being. they are altered and softened, but exist nevertheless. and i am reminded of what i had to tell one of the men who i have the honor of sponsoring the other night, "my job is to get out of the way and allow the changes to be manifest by a POWER GREATER THAN ME."
after all, a power warped my survival skills into the defects of character i possess to this day, so my power alone is hardly a counter to the power of active addiction and the substances i consumed over the course of that particular phase in my life. my life in active recovery has yet to equal in length my life in active addiction, and yet i still expect to be something more than i am right now.
SIGH.
so where is my HOPE? well for one, i am hurting myself and others far less today than any time in the past, which means that some of those defects of my character must have been relieved or changed into something a bit softer and kinder. i am much more accepting of myself than anytime in the past, and yes i am starting to love myself exactly as i am today. and part of that is allowing myself to accept the views of others, allowing them to speak their minds and stopping the assuming what others think mode of operation. that is a task that i can do just for today.

∞ DT ∞