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i expected, was anything of a **spiritual** nature. those who know me or read this little bit of daily dumping, are quite aware that i am far from any sort of **spiritual giant** or **recovery guru.** as much as i have tried to front that during the time i have been clean, neither of those **labels** have yet to become reality. it is true that i GOT exactly what i wanted from recovery many, many days ago, FREEDOM. i wanted FREEDOM from the 20th Judicial District and got that, BUT i also got FREEDOM from active addiction. what i did not expect is to uncover that i had some sort of “spiritual” void, that i chose to fill with substances and self-seeking, selfish behaviors. boy, what a rude awakening that was. after many years of trying to fit my concept of a spiritual path into what i thought was the correct one, i get to live a whole different life, today.
disposing of the most germane topic that popped off the stack this morning, what came next was all about me wondering how i can best live this spiritual sort of life, i have been given. my daily inventories lately have been focused on what is stressing me out, rather than what i am doing to reduce the stress in my life. i have tried ignoring those issue or running away from taking any sort of responsibility for my part in them. what i “heard” this morning, is that invited that stress into my life and while it may not be going anywhere, any time soon, the time has come for me to accept the reality of what things look like today. by following the example of those who have walked this path longer than i have, i got the notion that acceptance and tolerance is path that will lead me to a place where i am not stuck in allowing outside shite to toss my serenity into the dumper.
my plan of action, is to continue to carve time out of the house for myself, even if i am “grounded” by work until tomorrow night. what i am coming to see, is that i feel that i have given up a huge chunk of my personal space and the space i share with the woman i love. what i am seeing is that by doing so, i get to allow someone else the freedom to feel safe for a minute and prepare for the next phase of their life. what i feel as annoyance is a manifestation for self-centered selfishness. the spiritual path i am an adherent of, allows me the FREEDOM to be less obsessed about my DESIRES and allow for a world that spins without my guidance. just for today, i do believe i will let go of what i think i NEED and see if i get some of the stuff i truly desire.

∞ DT ∞