Blog entry for:

okay, i know that the reading is about learning how to leave the toxic part of my relationships behind and start to form deep and intimate relationships with those around me. in my current life, locked down as we all are, i have come to see a living example of what i once was and see what it is like to be on the other side of a one-sided relationship. day in and day out, i am flabbergasted by the total obtuseness of selfish self-interest and wonder how i ever had anyone left in my life, by the time i actually got a modicum of recovery, as that mirror reflects the image of me living in that same state. i may still want what i want, when i want it. i certainly have times when i cannot or will not see that what i want comes at a cost that i may not find acceptable. when i find myself sliding back into that state of spiritual malaise, all i have to do is remember how i feel today.
moving along, it seems the meetings i am attending are moving towards a state of being “real.” yes i know i complain about what they are not and a peer, who i deeply respect, summed it up best when they shared yesterday that they were glad that the meeting was not full of “redundancy,” which is an excellent way to describe what i often find. it is true i am grateful that in these times of mandated self-isolation, there is the means to hear and see my peers in recovery. it is also true that i find those means a poor substitute for live, in-person meetings. accepting what i have and being okay with it, is not something i do well. where i once used meetings as my hiding place, sitting with my hand folded in my lap, silently judging every share and finding them lacking, i am starting to com,e around to the notion that perhaps they too, are doing the best they can do, with what they have. perhaps, their entire recovery is only “bumper sticker” deep, so a slogan and cliché or three is truly all they have to offer. as sad as that realization makes me, i can see the truth in the snarky quip i heard fourth hand, that the local fellowship has never worked a certain step. as cynically insulting as that may be, i can see their point. when i sit in my sh!t and whine about what is, i am not living any sort of program and might as well be sharing the yippy-skippy version of my life chock full of bon mots and lines lifted out of context form the fellowship's literature, to prove how “recovered” i am.
as i approach the end of this April Fools Day posting and chuckle at the incredible irony of this day and the state of the world around me, i can see that my “impossible demand” today, is having the DESIRE that all my peers and everyone else in my life, behave in a manner dictated by my needs. there may be no “advanced” recovery and certainly staying clean, from breath to breath, is still something i can do today, HOWEVER, for this addict there is a means of living my recovery, by striving to be the person i never thought i could become and learning to accept what is and let go of what is not, just for today.

∞ DT ∞