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into creativity was not an issue for me, when i was using. when i needed an excuse as to why i had failed to pay my debt, did not show up someplace or was unavailable for a family event, BINGO(!) i manufactured on the fly. as i am very bad at telling outright lies, my creativity led me down the path of carefully editing the truth to fit my current needs. i may have never written the great American novel or composed an opus to the joy of using, but there were certainly times, i could have won an Oscar for best actor in a real life drama. if one considered keeping track of bald-faced lies daunting try being every-man for everyone and keeping all of one's various roles straight. i have to admit, from this vantage point, i wonder how i kept it for so long, thank goodness a HUGE part of active addiction is self-imposed isolation. alone and high, was my respite from the lives i lived in public.
these days, after exploding my internal myth about who i needed to be and who i needed to hide, i find myself a bit bored with social situations, as the thrill of deception and duplicity have been removed. finding a creative outlet in my work, this little exercise in not quite random brainwaves and a bit of web design, is great, but part of me misses the excitement of getting away with being who i was not and living in the fear of being exposed. so it goes, a little bit of boredom is a small price to pay for what i have these days.
while pounding this little ditty out, i went down the rabbit hole of seeing if an old friend was on the internet, as i was going to attribute part of this exercise to him, as his tagline on the music articles he writes used to be “random brainwaves.” the last time we met, he told me that because i had some time clean, that i was not like his deceased wife and was probably not an addict. as tempting as it was to resume my using career with an friend, partner in crime and using buddy, i knew on that day, i could no longer hide from the truth of who i was. the fact that it sounded like a good idea, started a cascade of feelings that led to me accepting what i need to do on a daily basis, and having a little bit of 'dis or 'dat is not part of my plan of the day. just for today, i think i will get my long overdue project completed as it is down to a single bug that requires my attention. i know i will go see my Dr about my injured limb and zoom with a sponsee this afternoon. as to the rest of the hours between all of that? well i am sure i can find a very creative way to fill those minutes and accomplish all that i need to get done, just for today.

∞ DT ∞