Blog entry for:

in my own skin if i am willing to let go and allow myself to feel the independence that has been given to me as a result of living a program of recovery. i have to admit, i read the wrong entry in my source material, so this writing exercise is really a just for the day after tomorrow. be that as it may, i may not put a whole lot of stock in miracles and divine will and i do not see the “hand of GOD” in this case either, it simply was a mistake by me, that has very desirable consequences. this topic, is actually something that struck a chord with me this morning and “feels” as if it just may be what i needed to read.
unlike some of my peers, i do not put a whole lot of stock into “being happy.” i do not believe i am entitled to be happy, nor do i believe that how happy i may or may not be is an indication of how well i am living my program. the flip side of that argument is that i may not be entitled to not be miserable, but if i want to have a life that is not miserable, i NEED to take responsibility for my life and recovery. i do not stay clean, day after day, merely to survive my misery! 😣
coming to terms with what has been going on with me over the course of the past three years, as i watched both of my parents slip and slide into their ultimate demise, i see that i have been swallowing my grief to be strong and allowing my anger and resentment to take its place. as i let go and explore this quagmire of feelings and beliefs, i keep getting caught up in what happened to me, rather than letting that nasty piece of work go and concentrate on being genuine and whole, in the here and now. i can honestly say, that when i allow myself to let go of the pain and find the ways and means to forgive my Mom, i have glimpses of being happier. perhaps it really is time, once and for all, to relinquish the power of that part of my past and get on with living in the here and now. i am not going to get an amends, an apology or even an acknowledgement that i was wronged and holding my breath waiting for the impossible to happen is not increasing my happiness by any measure at all.
as sad and sorry as all of that may seem, i am on the path to healing. the ironic part of all of this, is that coming to a point where i actually faced what has been going in with me for as long as i can remember, brings enlightenment and a lightening of the burden i have carried for so long. just for today, i can see that the path to increasing my happiness goes through the door of forgiveness and letting go. today, just for today, perhaps i will actually open that door and step through to the next phase of my existence.

∞ DT ∞