โ something greater than the force of my addiction โ
Posted: Mon, Mar 20, 2006 07:46:18 AM
a very interesting morning so far. i have read my responses, shoveled half the walks, did my monday morning stuff, listened to some music, got my first good meditation session in ten days and am finally fit company for man and beast. do not know why i was so grumpy when i moved off the bed this morning but i am glad that THE POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS gave me the energy to walk away from my girlfriend before i said or did something i would be having to repair later.
so a somewhat choppy segue into the reading and what it brought up for me this morning. i have shared many times before that i was higher powerless when i finally accepted that i was an addict and that the coming to believe process was long and drawn out. i was so pissed at having to be an addict that the only higher power i already believed in was capricious and cruel. today i see that for what it was -- the part of me i call the disease of addiction. yes my addiction was cruel and demanding -- it consumed my thoughts and i had to devote all my resources to feeding its needs. and yes it seemed to get me into trouble constantly by demanding things that were beyond my means to fulfill. the behaviors that were manifest as a result ended up with all kinds of people in my life that i would have preferred never to know and i am not talking about those with whom i share this path of recovery!
so here i sit a few years later, embarked on a path that may lead me into a career that i have always wanted, and to what do i owe this chance to live my dream? well it certainly is not the disease of addiction. no it is the recovery from that disease that has given me the opportunity to be more than i ever thought was possible. the higher power of a loving caring fellowship gave me the ability to open my mind to more than what i could physically see, smell, touch or hear. that fellowship also gave the chance to find a real HIGHER POWER and the spiritual life i now enjoy. that life allowed me to be here this morning, write this little missive to cyberspace and not hurt anyone in the process, at least so far today. so do i have a force working in my life that is greater than the disease of addiction ? yes, and for that i am grateful today.
so a somewhat choppy segue into the reading and what it brought up for me this morning. i have shared many times before that i was higher powerless when i finally accepted that i was an addict and that the coming to believe process was long and drawn out. i was so pissed at having to be an addict that the only higher power i already believed in was capricious and cruel. today i see that for what it was -- the part of me i call the disease of addiction. yes my addiction was cruel and demanding -- it consumed my thoughts and i had to devote all my resources to feeding its needs. and yes it seemed to get me into trouble constantly by demanding things that were beyond my means to fulfill. the behaviors that were manifest as a result ended up with all kinds of people in my life that i would have preferred never to know and i am not talking about those with whom i share this path of recovery!
so here i sit a few years later, embarked on a path that may lead me into a career that i have always wanted, and to what do i owe this chance to live my dream? well it certainly is not the disease of addiction. no it is the recovery from that disease that has given me the opportunity to be more than i ever thought was possible. the higher power of a loving caring fellowship gave me the ability to open my mind to more than what i could physically see, smell, touch or hear. that fellowship also gave the chance to find a real HIGHER POWER and the spiritual life i now enjoy. that life allowed me to be here this morning, write this little missive to cyberspace and not hurt anyone in the process, at least so far today. so do i have a force working in my life that is greater than the disease of addiction ? yes, and for that i am grateful today.
∞ DT ∞