Blog entry for:

my best efforts often result in greater destruction and despair. EVER SO SLOWLY, i realized that i need the help of a POWER greater than addiction. as i move into this very springlike last day of winter, i am struck by a couple on inconsistencies within what i heard the reading speaking about and what i have come to believe. this happens from time to time and it really is nothing for me to get my knickers in a bun about. what it means is that i have to take a look at what i believe and see if it is really inconsistent with what i happen to be hearing at this time.
for me, the STEP TWO has always presented emotional and mental hurdles that i needed to overcome. i know that STEP TWO, is where i find HOPE, and STEP THREE is the application of that discovery or uncovery. knowing this, and believing this are however two different things, at least in my silly little mind. emotionally, i want to be there always, but the so-called rational part of me, the part that maintains a death grasp on the world view i entered recovery with, all those days ago, prevents that from just happening, there is always a struggles, a debate following classic debate rules, before the rational side finally concedes to my emotional side, that yes IT COULD BE TRUE. one would imagine, after the countless times i have gone through this exercise, and reached the same conclusion, that i could stop wasting the effort on it. is not one definition of insanity, doing the same thing and expecting different results? here the internal debate rages on, and yet the result is always the same, i can admit to the possibility of a POWER that can fuel my recovery.
i can see why this insanity is present in my life, after i take a look at it. after all, the part of me i call addiction, is always seeking an excuse to use. that part of me, takes on FAITH, that if an adequate reason can be uncovered, i will use again. that is a valid assumption, as the program teaches me, and i have come to believe that the addict within, will always be there, will always be hungry for its next use, and can only be countered by a sufficient force from outside of me. so of course, each and every time i am asked to apply STEP TWO, whether in my daily program, or in formal step work, i will have this particular debate, as futile as it is, as the part of me clings to the HOPE that one day it will be freed from its prison within, and given full control over a life it once ruled with impunity.
the dissonance i am feeling is not dissonance at all. it is, after a few moments of consideration, the battle within, that rages seemingly non-stop. the trick for me is to apply STEPS ONE THROUGH THREE, as the reading is clearly suggesting, rather than the particular solution of STEP TWO out of context. so right here and right now, i CHOOSE to stop fighting the addict within; i COME to believe that there COULD BE a POWER greater than the addict within, and DECIDE to turn my will and my life over to the CARE of that POWER. in a flash of light and a puff of smoke, the discordance is once again removed and i can walk in the light of active recovery.
it is time to hit the streets and take care of my physical fitness, which of course influences my emotional fitness, which of course influences my spiritual fitness that gives me the desire to improve my physical fitness…
and so, the feedback loop builds.
it is an excellent day to be clean, and one where i can be grateful for having all of this complex and not so complex stuff going on.

∞ DT ∞