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so one year ago, in the midst of my insanity, that i was so near and dear to me, i wrote a rant about theists and theism, or at least that is what it looked like when i perused the past to pick a title. today, well actually yesterday after the speaker shared, i realized that it was the lingering effects of an incomplete SECOND STEP, that was causing many of my issues. it was not the HIGHER POWER aspect of STEP 2 that was tripping me up, it was the insanity of having to cookie-cut my vision of spirituality to fit the overarching vision of my peers. or better put, what i THOUGHT was the overarching vision of my peers. i really like when my head pops out of a$$ and i realize what i thought was reality, was once again my distorted fantasy, influenced by the part of me i call addiction and designed to take me down the path of “just one more.”
time to rewind and explain what the fVck i am talking about, although it is perfectly clear to me. i have often written about my journey to the spiritual path i am currently embarked upon. those twists and turns need not be revised in any great detail here, save to say, it was long and arduous and when i finally found it, i thought i would not be able to be a part of this fellowship any longer. the insanity that was running through my head was that as long as i could not personify a POWER greater than addiction, i could not participate in recovery in this fellowship. the alternative was to hit another “A” that had a much narrower focus, but since i was already different, i could hang on the margins, visit the dispensary with my “red” card in hand to treat my “chronic” pain. the plan was simple, quite direct and burning everything down is a solution to all of my problems, as i have found out in the past. if i have nothing, i have nothing to lose. even as i was integrating my spiritual vision into my daily life, the insanity was running like crazy and came out as anger and disgust, more times than not. i was angry at myself for not finding a path to commonality and disgusted with the fellowship for not including my vision in theirs.
what broke it loose for me, was the assignment my sponse gave me to “feel” my way to an elevator pitch of what my spiritual path looked like. what that pitch did not include was a long-winded explanation of what my path looked like and how it differed from the path of my peers. after all unless i am going to the top of a very tall building, i only have a very brief time to make my pitch. what it finally came down to was the understanding of what i was getting from the POWER that fuels my recovery, and what my peers were getting as well, namely a spiritual abundance. where i had to fit that notion in, was in the concept of a HIGHER POWER being caring, loving and greater than addiction. i had no problem with the greater than addiction part, in fact, even through my darkest times, i have always asked for the power to stay clean, on a daily basis, and offered up my thanks for being able to stay clean, mat the end of my day. what i came to see is that what i call spiritual abundance my peers, may call loving and caring and in an instant, the bridge was crossed, my sanity in this instance started to be restored and i became a willing and active member of this fellowship again. i did not need to seek a different solution, all i had to do is let go of my ego and accept that there was certainly room under this umbrella for me. i unpaused my journey to becoming whole and even though it took another two months to sit down with my sponse and move into STEP 12, that time and distance gave me the opportunity to fine tune my vision and feel apart of this fellowship again.
today i am quite certain that an addict ANY addict can stop using and lose the desire to use and find a new way of living, regardless of the spiritual path they may be following.

∞ DT ∞