โ my best efforts result in ever greater destruction and despair โ
Posted: Wed, Mar 20, 2013 08:05:24 AM
i finally realize that need the help of some POWER greater than addiction.
during the meeting last night, i threatened to write about someone this morning. someone that i know reads this little bit of random musings on a fairly regular basis, but in the long run, when it comes down to it, there really is nothing there to even rail about, except to thank them for being part of the fellowship that gives me the opportunity to stay clean, no matter what.
moving on, i really wonder what the POWER that fuels my recovery has in store for me today. i start my course of dental treatment today, that will end up with me putting three teeth in a glass at night when i go to bed. i am now a whole day behind on my project at work, which freaks me the fVck out. i have a new sponsee, that came to me from a seed planted in someone else. i have an old sponsee, who told me last night that they have made the decision to stay clean, but they hope it is not too late. i have a quickie side job to do this evening, a new sponsee to meet behind bars and what else may happen between now and the time i hit the pillow tonight is a mystery to me. there was a time, and it really was not all that long ago, or perhaps it was, when i would have been nuts about controlling, planning outcomes and doing all i could do, to get the world to spin in the direction i wanted it to spin. i have always been all about control, so this whole notion that i am powerless and hope less unless… struck me was just a huge steaming pile of sh!t, used to brainwash the ignorant into compliance. how i got all of that out of my system and have arrived where i am today, is a very long and twisted story, that hi have told time and again in these pages, so today, suffice it to say, that i have come a long way baby!
what is really ringing in my head, is the desperation i heard on the other end of the phone last night, from all three of the calls i took, after i got home. it always amazes me what desperation sounds like and how it is handled buy others. me, i denied being desperate, even though i was desperately screaming out for help. i heard three different voices last night, one of them so scared of using again, he is willing to try something new. one of them, desperate for relief from the voice of the addict telling him his life is so unmanageable that he might as well use. and the final one? well that voice was how i sounded when i got here. denial was second nature to me, and i hear the same denial rolling off the words he says. he calls but does not want to talk. he is not afraid of using, just the consequences for him of using and he has does his best to sh!t over the very same fellowship that he will need too support him in the future if he wants any chance to find recovery. i get that as well, if i burn my bridges back to HOPE, there is only one way to go, to the ultimate ends of active addiction, and at least i will be high when i get there.
this morning? well i am grateful that i do have a POWER that is stronger than addiction, to provide for all my needs. i am grateful for the voices of desperation in my life. most of all, i am grateful for my membership in the “no matter what club,” just for today. yes i know hardly irreverent or scandalous, but some days are like that, today it is just a good day to be clean and kicking it on this side of the sod.
during the meeting last night, i threatened to write about someone this morning. someone that i know reads this little bit of random musings on a fairly regular basis, but in the long run, when it comes down to it, there really is nothing there to even rail about, except to thank them for being part of the fellowship that gives me the opportunity to stay clean, no matter what.
moving on, i really wonder what the POWER that fuels my recovery has in store for me today. i start my course of dental treatment today, that will end up with me putting three teeth in a glass at night when i go to bed. i am now a whole day behind on my project at work, which freaks me the fVck out. i have a new sponsee, that came to me from a seed planted in someone else. i have an old sponsee, who told me last night that they have made the decision to stay clean, but they hope it is not too late. i have a quickie side job to do this evening, a new sponsee to meet behind bars and what else may happen between now and the time i hit the pillow tonight is a mystery to me. there was a time, and it really was not all that long ago, or perhaps it was, when i would have been nuts about controlling, planning outcomes and doing all i could do, to get the world to spin in the direction i wanted it to spin. i have always been all about control, so this whole notion that i am powerless and hope less unless… struck me was just a huge steaming pile of sh!t, used to brainwash the ignorant into compliance. how i got all of that out of my system and have arrived where i am today, is a very long and twisted story, that hi have told time and again in these pages, so today, suffice it to say, that i have come a long way baby!
what is really ringing in my head, is the desperation i heard on the other end of the phone last night, from all three of the calls i took, after i got home. it always amazes me what desperation sounds like and how it is handled buy others. me, i denied being desperate, even though i was desperately screaming out for help. i heard three different voices last night, one of them so scared of using again, he is willing to try something new. one of them, desperate for relief from the voice of the addict telling him his life is so unmanageable that he might as well use. and the final one? well that voice was how i sounded when i got here. denial was second nature to me, and i hear the same denial rolling off the words he says. he calls but does not want to talk. he is not afraid of using, just the consequences for him of using and he has does his best to sh!t over the very same fellowship that he will need too support him in the future if he wants any chance to find recovery. i get that as well, if i burn my bridges back to HOPE, there is only one way to go, to the ultimate ends of active addiction, and at least i will be high when i get there.
this morning? well i am grateful that i do have a POWER that is stronger than addiction, to provide for all my needs. i am grateful for the voices of desperation in my life. most of all, i am grateful for my membership in the “no matter what club,” just for today. yes i know hardly irreverent or scandalous, but some days are like that, today it is just a good day to be clean and kicking it on this side of the sod.
∞ DT ∞