ฮฑ when i take the First Step, i admit that the destructive force of addiction is bigger than i am ฯ
Posted: Fri, Mar 20, 2009 09:33:41 AM
at this point, my only hope is to find some POWER greater than the force of our addiction. okay. i am have some problems getting rolling on this entry this morning. it is not that i have nothing to say about the the destructive force addiction has played and is continuing to play in my life. i could actually write quite a lengthy treatise on that. nor do i have any problem that i NEED something that is more powerful than my addiction in my life, i have come to accept that also. that acceptance was grudgingly at first, for i am the type who loathes feeling powerless at all. so perhaps it is that feeling that is blocking my creative juices. whatever it is, i will persevere and see where this little brain dump goes.
so when i consider the force i live with on a daily basis, there are times when i think i have gained the upper hand. after all, i do step work, have and use a sponsor, go to meetings, maintain my service commitments and generally do my best to live a program of active recovery. i know that all of this is well and good, but after a while i seem to get the impression that it through my force of will that addiction is kept at bay. i am after all, good at forgetting the true extent of what brought me to my knees and hence propelled me into this manner of living. yes, Virginia, there really is denial, regardless of how many days it has been since i last used. oh it is not quite as blatant now, as i have come to terms with a life in recovery, but obvious or subtle it still is present. for me, that is why attending the few meetings i do attend is of paramount importance. after all, where else can i hear the obvious symptoms of denial and statements such as: " i intend to be in recovery the rest of my life so there is no hurry for me to start writing steps!"
i can almost feel myself nodding in agreement with that, then going to pontificate about how ell i live the spiritual principles of the program, how much better i am these days, and how many gifts in the material world i have been given.
so readings like the one this morning is very important for me, these reminders are necessary for this addict to remember what i am dealing with, what kind of power i arrived in the rooms with, and the source of the power for me to stay clean. i am now, and perhaps have always been, but certainly always will be, first and foremost a human being who is also an addict. just because the obvious symptoms of my addiction have ameliorated, does not change those facts. as such a person, i am POWERLESS over my addiction, and my only HOPE for any sort of normal appearing life, is to surrender said life into the CARE of the POWER that keeps me clean, and today i do believev i will do so. so off to hit the streets to continue my physical rehab program and get some more stuff accomplished.
so when i consider the force i live with on a daily basis, there are times when i think i have gained the upper hand. after all, i do step work, have and use a sponsor, go to meetings, maintain my service commitments and generally do my best to live a program of active recovery. i know that all of this is well and good, but after a while i seem to get the impression that it through my force of will that addiction is kept at bay. i am after all, good at forgetting the true extent of what brought me to my knees and hence propelled me into this manner of living. yes, Virginia, there really is denial, regardless of how many days it has been since i last used. oh it is not quite as blatant now, as i have come to terms with a life in recovery, but obvious or subtle it still is present. for me, that is why attending the few meetings i do attend is of paramount importance. after all, where else can i hear the obvious symptoms of denial and statements such as: " i intend to be in recovery the rest of my life so there is no hurry for me to start writing steps!"
i can almost feel myself nodding in agreement with that, then going to pontificate about how ell i live the spiritual principles of the program, how much better i am these days, and how many gifts in the material world i have been given.
so readings like the one this morning is very important for me, these reminders are necessary for this addict to remember what i am dealing with, what kind of power i arrived in the rooms with, and the source of the power for me to stay clean. i am now, and perhaps have always been, but certainly always will be, first and foremost a human being who is also an addict. just because the obvious symptoms of my addiction have ameliorated, does not change those facts. as such a person, i am POWERLESS over my addiction, and my only HOPE for any sort of normal appearing life, is to surrender said life into the CARE of the POWER that keeps me clean, and today i do believev i will do so. so off to hit the streets to continue my physical rehab program and get some more stuff accomplished.
∞ DT ∞