Blog entry for:

with a lead such as that, one might expect a unicorn to pop out from under a rainbow farting a daisy or two, and while that might be the case, one might be a bit disappointed if that expectation is not met. i am not going to go into what is and what is not in my spiritual outlook, because i have covered that material so well in the past. what i **heard** this morning was not about where my source of HOPE is coming from and what that source looks like, but a simple acknowledgement that i can HOPE and perhaps there is a chance that HOPE will come to pass.i do accept that i am powerless over addiction and that i need a POWER greater than my addiction, if i am going to thrive. i also accept that it is my actions, attitudes and DESIRE, that cuts me off from the source of my recovery and the strength i need to stay clean, just for today. things may be changing in my life, perhaps a new job, certainly a new sense of physical wellness and fitness and a stronger bond to the fellowship that has given me this manner of living.
for the past several months, i have been avoiding meetings in my home town. oh i tell myself i need a change or that i have heard what everyone is sharing, time and again. i have also been not sharing my Experience, Strength and HOPE outside of my very safe home group. both of those are symptoms of my desire to hide and deny the fact that something is working in my life, even though i do not want to feel or acknowledge IT. when i do share, it always seems to come down to the basic message, that drugs were not and are not the real issue here, it is addiction that i have no power over and drugs, the use and misuse of them, was merely symptoms of active addiction run rampant in my life. i have become a “bleeding deacon” of sorts and i am not very happy about that, so i sit quietly, fuming about the “fluff” and clichés i hear my peers spouting off and i start seeking a new meeting to start attending. it is a good thing that i do have a POWER greater than addiction in my life, or i would have been driving for days on a quest to find that “perfect” meeting. this morning, what i heard was the time to stop running is now and the time to allow myself to catch-up with who i am, has long passed. it si time to once again surrender to the HOPE that IF i pay attention i will get everything i NEED or at the minimum the opportunity to get what i need, from the POWER that fuels my recovery and is the source of my strength to stay clean, just for today. on that note, i think i will traipse off to the shower and head on out to my so-called real world to live another day.

∞ DT ∞